Ambivalence
How can it be possible to know someone is terrible for you, to be treated like shit over and over and tell yourself that you're never going to let them fuck with you again, and still entertain the thought that maybe it'll be ok this next time?
I'm disgusted with myself. How many times have you seen a friend of yours do the same thing and wonder how she could be so stupid? It seems impossibly moronic until you're doing it too. Your friends will try to help, but there's nothing they can do. They can pump you up and tell you you deserve better, they can cut him down reminding you of what a little shit he was before, they can probably tell you exactly what is going to happen to you if you don't stop talking to him right now, but all of that just makes you want him more. It's like when someone lectures you about cigarettes, everything is more enticing when it's bad for you.
But this is so much worse for me than smoking! Much more addictive. It's more like coke. How can you say no when it's right there in front of you? It's so sexy, and it makes you feel like The Hottest Shit Ever, but as soon as you get into it it starts to fade and the comedown is hell.
I feel like this is the story of my life- "Dating prudes sucks.... I miss you" No shit, FUCKER! I hate to play games and I hate to make guys jump through hoops and more than anything I hate having to hold out unnaturally long before having sex and that's why I'll probably never have a boyfriend again? I've been pretending for a while that I'm just so liberated and sex and the city about everything, that I don't want to get attached to someone, that I just want to be able to hook up with anyone without a thought. But that's bull shit. Maybe I'd like the be Samantha Jones or Slut Machine once in a while but I'm not.
I think the same way I assumed I was a loser in high school cause I got good grades, I just assumed I was a slut in college cause I loved having sex. It's not fair, I shouldn't have to choose. I don't think the girl you like having sex with has to be mutually exclusive from the girl you like. I know the Reformed Slut plotline is tired but honestly, it never really felt right! Just like how I smoked weed cause it was a thing to do in high school and provided an unchallenging social group in college but I figured out that I actually didn't like it much (damn, I'm gonna have to change the name of my blog!). I think if you have any self awareness and maturity you should be able to recognize if your sex life matters to you, and get past whatever puritanical mindset leads you to believe that amazing sex has to be a dirty little secret you hide from your friends or feel guilty about.
I got in way over my head a year ago, I didn't realize that wanting him so bad made him think less of me. It was like the more into him I was, the more I was letting myself go, the more disposable I was to him. Isn't that more than a little misogynistic?
The Reformed Asshole story arch may be a harder sell than that of the Reformed Slut. A reasonable person would never speak to him again, I mean seriously, am I a masochist?
I don't know.
I'm disgusted with myself. How many times have you seen a friend of yours do the same thing and wonder how she could be so stupid? It seems impossibly moronic until you're doing it too. Your friends will try to help, but there's nothing they can do. They can pump you up and tell you you deserve better, they can cut him down reminding you of what a little shit he was before, they can probably tell you exactly what is going to happen to you if you don't stop talking to him right now, but all of that just makes you want him more. It's like when someone lectures you about cigarettes, everything is more enticing when it's bad for you.
But this is so much worse for me than smoking! Much more addictive. It's more like coke. How can you say no when it's right there in front of you? It's so sexy, and it makes you feel like The Hottest Shit Ever, but as soon as you get into it it starts to fade and the comedown is hell.
I feel like this is the story of my life- "Dating prudes sucks.... I miss you" No shit, FUCKER! I hate to play games and I hate to make guys jump through hoops and more than anything I hate having to hold out unnaturally long before having sex and that's why I'll probably never have a boyfriend again? I've been pretending for a while that I'm just so liberated and sex and the city about everything, that I don't want to get attached to someone, that I just want to be able to hook up with anyone without a thought. But that's bull shit. Maybe I'd like the be Samantha Jones or Slut Machine once in a while but I'm not.
I think the same way I assumed I was a loser in high school cause I got good grades, I just assumed I was a slut in college cause I loved having sex. It's not fair, I shouldn't have to choose. I don't think the girl you like having sex with has to be mutually exclusive from the girl you like. I know the Reformed Slut plotline is tired but honestly, it never really felt right! Just like how I smoked weed cause it was a thing to do in high school and provided an unchallenging social group in college but I figured out that I actually didn't like it much (damn, I'm gonna have to change the name of my blog!). I think if you have any self awareness and maturity you should be able to recognize if your sex life matters to you, and get past whatever puritanical mindset leads you to believe that amazing sex has to be a dirty little secret you hide from your friends or feel guilty about.
I got in way over my head a year ago, I didn't realize that wanting him so bad made him think less of me. It was like the more into him I was, the more I was letting myself go, the more disposable I was to him. Isn't that more than a little misogynistic?
The Reformed Asshole story arch may be a harder sell than that of the Reformed Slut. A reasonable person would never speak to him again, I mean seriously, am I a masochist?
I don't know.
Labels: bad decisions, S
posted by Sarah at 5:27 PM
4 Comments:
i've been there. it sucks.
and no, you're not a masochist. just human.
<3
I got "over" guys when i hung around my heart broken friends who were all bitter about love. They walked around with a "boys suck" attitude, and (somehow) attracted even more guys to them... I tried the same thing (and it works, oddly enough). Maybe i sound, crazy, but boys do all say the same thing. When I was lovestruck, this girl snatched away my cell phone, deleted his number, text messages, etc. and told me that whatever he was saying to me, he was saying to another girl. It was extreme, but it's probably the truth... Guys are mostly sleazy and they all say the same thing. :-)
Amusing blog. I don't want to believe that you're real because that would mean that I really am missing out, but I enjoy reading you anyway.
...just passing though on a slow Sunday & don’t know you from Eve, but I don’t think I need to, because we’ve (humans) all been at that intersection of conflicting desires.
The thing is though, ultimately, the guy doesn’t matter. He’s just a bit player in a larger drama, maybe especially if he’s doing a predictable sexual double standard maneuver (because that’s elegantly dealt with: cut the ingrate off and he’ll learn or become a genetic cul de sac, and if that were the case, you’d just brush him off as an ass), and maybe that’s why your friends haven’t been able to talk you out of him.
I don’t think there is a thing in the world wrong with casual sex and I’ve enjoyed my indulgences, but in my experience there are people with whom you *can* fuck, share espresso with in the morning and then chat with a few weeks later on the metro and people with whom you *can’t*. The difficulty is never differentiating from the two but in choosing, and I‘ve certainly burned myself there before. It’s not a matter of morals, misogyny, or masochism so much as interpersonal history and the dumb luck of brain chemistry (and you’re right, as far as neurotransmitters/brain region activity goes desire/love is virtually indistinguishable from other addictions in a cat scan). Mamma nature doesn't care if we're happy, she just wants us reproducing.
Why beat yourself up? It sounds like the problem with this fellow (because it doesn’t seem like he’s making you jump through hoops, either) isn’t that your enjoyment of sex in *general* degraded you in *specific*, but that you wanted something other then was being offered, and what it seems like you wanted was a holy grail of self-fulfillment all roiled up in a vacant phallus. There is some fine dick to be had but even then best I’ve seen has fallen short of any kind of divining rod of self worth. Not to be too second-wave-feminist-V-day but one doubts you are looking for these things in your vagina. I can’t speak for the whole of humanity, but in my experienced I’ve never gained any esteem from a roll in the hay that I didn’t bring to it.
Anyway, I’m obviously guilty of transference here but I hope this helps you out somehow. If nothing else, you’re in the same boat as a hell of a lot of other people. Take care of yourself sweetie, and best of luck.
(Also, you are a very engaging writer).
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