Too Old for This Shit
I haven't been to a fun party in months. Considering becoming a hermit, in title as well as in practice.
Stacey asked me to go to a party with her and Shadyville. I've never been there not buying drugs. I knew I was going to end up going but I really didn't want to. I didn't know anyone, and I wasn't feeling up for that sort of thing, especially with Stacey. It's exhausting to listen to a sanctimonious speech about how she doesn't drink or party or enjoy any aspect of her life, all the while watching boys lose their shit over her. why, why, why... I guess I'm just really waspy or bourgeoise or something but I feel like talking about your depression constantly is kind of a party foul.
I decide to have a good attitude and get all cute and we go, we bring some booze, and turns out everyone there is between 16 and 19 years old. That's not a huge age difference but it felt ridiculous. I'm not socially skilled but these kids were stunted.
It's elitist to say there's a difference between private school kids and public school kids but.... these kids were just really stupid. The ones who had graduate high school hadn't gotten in to UD. Who the hell doesn't get in UD when they live in DE? Shady burnouts. I forgot that Stacey prefers martyrdom to actually enjoying herself. That's why she didn't have fun at New Year's.
I spent all night talking to the gay guy. This is a bad habit to get into. He could speak in complete sentances and he was pretty.
Beligerent Jones kept getting into fights so they locked him out and all the girls and my gay buddy hid behind the boys while he ran into the door over and over. Stacey must want to die, because she offered to drive him home. If she'd done that I would have walked home. His pupils were coked out to the size of quarters and he had chugged a handle of Popov. Later someone told me that his girlfriend had just died of a heroin overdose. Where does Stacey find these people?
The token Hispanic guy with the oversized baseball hat walked around going, "percs... percs... percs" like he was on a street corner. Adorable. But I perked up (heehee) a little and sorta asked about that... "Ummm how much do you want for percs...Percocet...percs...stuff" I'm such a square. Stacey's like, "Don't be stupid!" ummm don't bring me to this fucked up place and expect me to get through it on a few beers. Anyway I wasn't pulling out my wallet, I was just getting an estimate. Trust me, for $30 I'd rather have some white lace boyshorts. I'd rather have a new eyeliner. I'd rather have Starbucks for 2 weeks. I'd rather have a train ticket to Alexandria.
And it was totally worth asking him because he launched his pitch about how he's a real dealer and he's been selling dime bags since he was 12. Props for that, dude.
Later he claims he can undo Stacey's bra in a second. And he did. I'm so fucking bored I could die. He does mine, both of ours at once... Stacey says if he can do hers with his teeth in 5 seconds, she'll show him her boobs. (And if this Facebook group reaches 10,000 she'll have a threesome.) He did it in 3 seconds and they went out on the porch. This guy named Ivan who had devestatingly sexy aviators started negotiating..."Can I try you?"
"You can try. I'm not gonna show you my tits though."
"Awwww why not? She did it! I bet yours are really nice." are you kidding me??
"Umm no they aren't. They're awful. You don't wanna see em. Hers are better, y'all go take turns with her or something, she'd be into that"
"yeah but yours are bigger. I'll do something for you..." hmmm where's the guy with the Percocet? Jk jk jk.
"What are you like a prude or something?"
haha dude where were you an hour ago when Stacey called me out over and over in Never Have I Ever? I got stories I won't even tell Stacey. I'm just a little more discerning than her, I've actually changed since high school More discriminating taste. I mean, if someone wouldn't eat food from vending machines, would you call them anorexic? No, they just wanna eat food that's worthwhile. (No one ever understands my food analogy but I think it's great)
"Nah I've done enough uh, promiscuous things, and if I'm gonna be ridiculous and slutty I'm gonna actually have fun. Just taking my shirt off for random boys I don't know doesn't sound like that much fun."
They misunderstood this, and took it as a moral stance or something.
"Aww ok man, I can respect that, that's your choice..." Don't get it twisted, I'm not inhibited, I'm not religious, I just don't like you. And then he told me stop giving him "come hither" looks. Sorry sweetheart I guess I just can't help it? It must be because you're so smooth.
One kid would not shut up about it...
"Come on... my birthday was last week and I didn't get to see any titties."
"Tragic. How old are you now?"
"Fifteen!"
"Fucking shit! Fifteen?!? I'm pretty sure that's rape; go home! Fucking fifteen.... When I was fifteen I had never drank, smoked, or been beyond 1st base, okay? I might not have seen an R rated movie when I was 15... "
When we finally left, Stacey said, "Why didn't you let Ivan see your boobs?"
"Cause that's so awkward, I'd feel gross. And where's the fun in that? I did sorta have a crush on him though."
"I know you did. I bet he woulda played with them or something...."
Oooh really? Lucky me. How did I miss out on that shit? I'm sure I'll regret that for the rest of my life.
I'm so glad I'm too old for this shit. My new BCBG sweater was wasted on this crowd, and now it smells like cigs and adolescence. I sprayed some Prada on it and now I feel a little better.
Stacey asked me to go to a party with her and Shadyville. I've never been there not buying drugs. I knew I was going to end up going but I really didn't want to. I didn't know anyone, and I wasn't feeling up for that sort of thing, especially with Stacey. It's exhausting to listen to a sanctimonious speech about how she doesn't drink or party or enjoy any aspect of her life, all the while watching boys lose their shit over her. why, why, why... I guess I'm just really waspy or bourgeoise or something but I feel like talking about your depression constantly is kind of a party foul.
I decide to have a good attitude and get all cute and we go, we bring some booze, and turns out everyone there is between 16 and 19 years old. That's not a huge age difference but it felt ridiculous. I'm not socially skilled but these kids were stunted.
It's elitist to say there's a difference between private school kids and public school kids but.... these kids were just really stupid. The ones who had graduate high school hadn't gotten in to UD. Who the hell doesn't get in UD when they live in DE? Shady burnouts. I forgot that Stacey prefers martyrdom to actually enjoying herself. That's why she didn't have fun at New Year's.
I spent all night talking to the gay guy. This is a bad habit to get into. He could speak in complete sentances and he was pretty.
Beligerent Jones kept getting into fights so they locked him out and all the girls and my gay buddy hid behind the boys while he ran into the door over and over. Stacey must want to die, because she offered to drive him home. If she'd done that I would have walked home. His pupils were coked out to the size of quarters and he had chugged a handle of Popov. Later someone told me that his girlfriend had just died of a heroin overdose. Where does Stacey find these people?
The token Hispanic guy with the oversized baseball hat walked around going, "percs... percs... percs" like he was on a street corner. Adorable. But I perked up (heehee) a little and sorta asked about that... "Ummm how much do you want for percs...Percocet...percs...stuff" I'm such a square. Stacey's like, "Don't be stupid!" ummm don't bring me to this fucked up place and expect me to get through it on a few beers. Anyway I wasn't pulling out my wallet, I was just getting an estimate. Trust me, for $30 I'd rather have some white lace boyshorts. I'd rather have a new eyeliner. I'd rather have Starbucks for 2 weeks. I'd rather have a train ticket to Alexandria.
And it was totally worth asking him because he launched his pitch about how he's a real dealer and he's been selling dime bags since he was 12. Props for that, dude.
Later he claims he can undo Stacey's bra in a second. And he did. I'm so fucking bored I could die. He does mine, both of ours at once... Stacey says if he can do hers with his teeth in 5 seconds, she'll show him her boobs. (And if this Facebook group reaches 10,000 she'll have a threesome.) He did it in 3 seconds and they went out on the porch. This guy named Ivan who had devestatingly sexy aviators started negotiating..."Can I try you?"
"You can try. I'm not gonna show you my tits though."
"Awwww why not? She did it! I bet yours are really nice." are you kidding me??
"Umm no they aren't. They're awful. You don't wanna see em. Hers are better, y'all go take turns with her or something, she'd be into that"
"yeah but yours are bigger. I'll do something for you..." hmmm where's the guy with the Percocet? Jk jk jk.
"What are you like a prude or something?"
haha dude where were you an hour ago when Stacey called me out over and over in Never Have I Ever? I got stories I won't even tell Stacey. I'm just a little more discerning than her, I've actually changed since high school More discriminating taste. I mean, if someone wouldn't eat food from vending machines, would you call them anorexic? No, they just wanna eat food that's worthwhile. (No one ever understands my food analogy but I think it's great)
"Nah I've done enough uh, promiscuous things, and if I'm gonna be ridiculous and slutty I'm gonna actually have fun. Just taking my shirt off for random boys I don't know doesn't sound like that much fun."
They misunderstood this, and took it as a moral stance or something.
"Aww ok man, I can respect that, that's your choice..." Don't get it twisted, I'm not inhibited, I'm not religious, I just don't like you. And then he told me stop giving him "come hither" looks. Sorry sweetheart I guess I just can't help it? It must be because you're so smooth.
One kid would not shut up about it...
"Come on... my birthday was last week and I didn't get to see any titties."
"Tragic. How old are you now?"
"Fifteen!"
"Fucking shit! Fifteen?!? I'm pretty sure that's rape; go home! Fucking fifteen.... When I was fifteen I had never drank, smoked, or been beyond 1st base, okay? I might not have seen an R rated movie when I was 15... "
When we finally left, Stacey said, "Why didn't you let Ivan see your boobs?"
"Cause that's so awkward, I'd feel gross. And where's the fun in that? I did sorta have a crush on him though."
"I know you did. I bet he woulda played with them or something...."
Oooh really? Lucky me. How did I miss out on that shit? I'm sure I'll regret that for the rest of my life.
I'm so glad I'm too old for this shit. My new BCBG sweater was wasted on this crowd, and now it smells like cigs and adolescence. I sprayed some Prada on it and now I feel a little better.
posted by Sarah at 8:30 PM
1 Comments:
priceless post.
Post a Comment
<< Home