hangover day

Have you ever ended up with a epic hangover that you are quite sure you did not deserve? Wednesday night I went to have dinner with my advisor and his wife, as I often do, and had 3 or 4 glasses of white wine while I was there. Less than a bottle. I ended up feelig very drunk, chalked it up to just being tired/ having missed my workout that day, and went home, drank some water, and went to bed.

The next morning I thought I was going to die- my head was pounding, my skin was clammy, I was dry heaving all morning. I managed to drag my ass to campus where I was lucky enough to run into my ex boyfriend of 2 years, Will.

He said hey, and I said hey, and I tried to keep walking but he wanted to start a conversation. He wanted to tell me he was taking another year to graduate. Of course. His pattern was to sign up for classes, and then forget to go because he was always, always high. Trying to have a relationship with him was not only a bad idea, but really imposible. He was always too high to really be there, it was like trying to interact with the shell of a guy. The fact that he's still in school is kind of remarkable, but I know that he has alienated all of his friends, not just be, by constantly being too checked out to function.

I told him I ws getting a master's next year, and he was all "Oh that's great....but, are you gonna get accepted?"
"Um, yes? I mean, I'm not worried at all"
"Yeah, cause I mean, you're really smart Sarah, seriously, you are." wtf is this? I was so annoyed by his condescention I just said. "Well, yeah"
"Really you are. How've you been?"
"Really good actually, everything;s going great, feelig really shitty today though"
"yeah you look like a mess, are you ok?"
"Yeah I'm really sick... lie a hagover and maybe something else? I dunno"
"Oh are you drinking again?" he asked in this low voice that made me wana stragle him
"Actually I haven't been drinking much at all this semester, this year, I've been really healthy"
"It's really bad for you you know, you shouldn't drink so much"
"Um yes, I had like 3 glasses of wine?"
"You see it hurts your liver, your liver's right here" and he put his hand on my waist. I recoiled away involenterily, like he'd bured me.
"Yeah I think I know where my liver is. Good luck actually graduating, I gotta go finish some work."
"Ok well, yeah you knnow I've..." He kept talking as I walked away.

I felt awful after that. I never feel good after seeing him. At the very least I think, were you this unattractive when we were going out? His features are too feminine, he's small, like 3 inches shorter than me. He talks like he's on mood stablizers. He's arrogant and boring. Going out with him was a tremendous drain on my self esteem, and my biggest regret was that I did it for so long. I never got the sense he was attracted to me at all, and he was at best mildly interested. I was aware that this was not the ideal situation but I thought, well beggers can't be choosers.

As the afternoon went on, I came out of my hangover haze and managed to get stuff done. while working i the lab, I got a call that S had sent me flowers. Oh yeah, it's Valentine's Day. Even better, instead of the drugstore arrangement of red roses and baby's breath in celophane, he'd sent some really gorgeous tulips. So much cooler.

Completely negated earlier events of the day

Before I got on the train to go to DC this weekend I went out for a bottle of wine with one of my professors, so for the begining of the ride I was kinda lit. I have a trigger that is set off by a certain BAC- I start making flirty eyes at everyone. Across the aisle and two rows up was a tall, broad shouldered, 20 something boy who I couldn't help looking up and down when he walked across to the bathroom. At one point I made some prolonged eye contact, and my half-bottle of wine made me smile a little as I eye-fucked him a little. I might have licked my lips. Who knows.

I headed up to the snack car hoping to get a delightfully fake-tasting, vacuum-packed sammich. As I'm standing in line, I feel something on the back of my neck. It's that guy! "I like your scarf." What a weirdo! Well whatever, I got like 2 more hours to kill. He asks if I wanna have a drink with him, but didn't offer to pay for it, so I figured I wasn't implying anything by it, right?

Turns out he's in the Navy, get a A.S. in Phys Ed, would be a personal trainer if he could only pass the test, lives in Jersey and makes it clear he hates all of it. A real winner. "So that's why I have to drink." Hot. I give it a good effort, I smile and flip my hair and I do the eye thing a little. He's not subtle about looking me up and down appreciatively but I can't get him to say much. We finish out drinks and head back to our seats. Just as I start in on my Vogue he sits down next to me to share his big bottle of rum and coke. Well, ok.

"What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" Hmm, what's the lamest movie line you've quoted lately? I ramble about getting arrested or the shit we pulled this summer, and that isn't doing it for him. "When's the last time you were really satisfied?" Ha. Haha. Wow. I'm a super bitch so I say "What?" and make him repeat it. "Hmm, the last time I was really satisfied...wow... I guess like, Sunday? Or maybe Wednesday or Tuesday. But definitly Sunday." He was not expecting that. "Wow you're doing better than me!"
"Well, that's not you're fault, you're in the goddamn Navy!"
"Yeah but still....like, last Sunday?"
"Yeah I do ok."

Navy guy starts to look for a way to convince me to mess around on the boy I'm on my way to see. Y'all have got to stop that, it's sorta pathetic. His deep depression is breaking my heart so I sorta lean in and tell him that if I'd met him on a train a few months ago, I would be trying like hell to get him to sneak into the bathroom with me.

Is that true? That's something I used to think about on the train, how hot it would be to meet a stranger and sneak off to the bathroom and tear into each other. C'mon, it sounds hot. If it weren't for S, would I wanna get on Navy boy? If I was just heading home, no boy anywhere, and this great looking but a bit dim, just off from the military was trying this hard, what would make me say no?

And where are these guys when I don't have a better option waiting for me? I shut it off over the summer, and now I've had like 5 guys do this, come on really strong and then try to talk me into it after I explain. Points for persistance, but come on, don't be that guy!

No really, I AM a nice girl!

I like to think that fun porn-type stuff like that is just an add-on to already good sex. If "normal" sex is vanilla, porn inspired kink is the toppings. I don't want to only have vanilla ice cream, but I don't want to eat a bowl of sprinkles.

I can't decide how I feel about the Jezebel article "How Porn Ruined Sex." The thesis is that because guys have been watching porn since they were 10, their conception of good sex is so skewed that they pretty much only appreciate kinky, fetishy things and that because of the evil porn, women are forced to do things they don't want to do. I'm also kind of psyched cause I know the girl from the opening anecdote from my freshman dorm. I think.

Like pretty dumb things said, the article works off the assumption that there's no intersection between anything you see in porn and anything girls want to do. Um I secretly wish I was a porn star. Not really, but you know what I mean. I'm excited that my new digicam takes video, is all I'm saying. I have a schoolgirl skirt I would never wear in public. I have handcuffs. Not gonna lie, sometimes I love acting like a porn star.

I guess I was a naive little ho because I thought I could just do whatever I wanted and that maybe someone would, I dunno, like that about me. That didn't work out so well. Why would a virile, sexy guy throw away the cute, smart, sexy girl that can't get enough of him and who genuinely loves indulging him for the girl who had no interest, who he had to beg for it?

The article says that because of porn women have to do slutty things they don't want to do to keep guys interested. But wanting to do them reduces you to fucking trash that isn't worth your time or respect. I feel like I talk about this all the time but it just infuriates me.

Later in the article there's a quote from a guy into S&M that says, "I do that to keep from getting too close to women." And you wonder why they're so reluctant. Again, maybe I'm just naive but I don't think it has to work that way.

Scenes from the Metro

"Ok I'm gonna play the cube game with you," S said with a devious little smile. "It's a fun psychoanalysis game, to let me know how fucked up you are." Sounds like fun to me. I'll take any personality quiz, I'll contemplate my fucked-up-ness for an entire afternoon. Bring it.

"Ok picture a space, like a room. Any space." Ok. Four walls, ceiling, floor. "Now picture a cube. What's it look like?"

"It's about the size of a rubik's cube, but it's black and shiny."


"Is it opaque or transparent? Where is it?"

"It's definitly opaque, very solid, sitting on the floor."

"Ok now there's a bed of flow- no, just flowers, what do they look like?"

"Well since you said bed or course it's a bed. The bed is set in the hardwood floor, two by three feet, and that space is filled with flowers."

"And the flowers, are they big or small?"

"They're big, tall, like tulips and daffodils. Very lush."

"Ok there's a ladder, where is it?"

"It's a normal like eight foot ladder, up against the wall."

"Ok, ok that's good, against the wall..."

"Yeah I guess it just leads to the ceiling. I don't want to climb it."

"You don't?"

"No, I mean, it's not like it goes anywhere, and the floor does not look like it has a very high coefficient of friction, the ladder will probably slip."

"Interesting. Now there's a horse."

"There's a horse? In the room?"

"Sure."

"If you say so"

"So describe the horse.'

"He's very pretty, he's just chilling. Eating some flowers."

"The horse is eating the flowers?"

"Sure, horses eat flowers right? I mean, deer eat flowers. A horse would too, if you put them in front of him. And what else is he gonna do? Climb the ladder? Play with my cube? It's a horse!"

"Well....ok..... does he seem happy to be there?"

"I guess, he's hanging out. I'm sure he'd rather be outside. He's a horse. He doesn't belong indoors"

"Hmm. Ok. Well there's a storm. Describe it."

"Well it's just thunder and lightening and rain and all but I like thunderstorms. And it's outside. I'm inside. And there are no windows so I can't even see it."

"Wow. Ok. Well....damn babe. Your cube is your ego. I guess yours is dark and small. Maybe you have low self worth, or just that you aren't egomaniacal. And it's opaque and black...." he went on to talk about when he first met me and how I'm slow to open up... While he was talking I thought about my cube. Through the exercise it was either like a black ipod shaped like a cube, shiny plastic and high tech looking, or a very dense, almost luminous perfect cube of obsidion. In either case, valuabe significant objects. I like my cube.

He went on, "It's interesting that it's dark and opaque, you're kind of provate about like, personal stuff." Yeah you could say that. Maybe you shouldn't be trying to break open my cube.

"The flowers are your family and friends." I smiled. There weren't a whole lot but they filled the space alotted and they were beautiful and healthy. He said he ave the same test to a mutual friend. "She had lots of little flowers that covered the whole space. She is quite the social butterfly."

"Now the ladder is your goals and aspirations." Oh. Shit. My stomach turned. "It's interesting that you think the base is unstable, but yeah, you don't seem to have a good sense of what you want so you don't know where to go." There I am halfway up the ladder and it slips out from under me, sending me crashing to the floor. My eyes welled up with tears and I turned my head away. "Oh that's hillarious."

"Now the horse...haha all girls call the horse "he". The horse is your ideal mate." Lump in my throat. "And you said the horse didn't belong in the room!'

"Babe, stop, I don't wanna play anymore."

"Oh are you gonna cry?"

"No"

"Look at me."

"No."

"Oh, and you had the horse eating the flowers? That's crazy, I have never heard anything like that. In fact no one has ever questioned the presence of the horse before!"

"It's not my fault, you confnused me! A horse could eat flowers!"

"Well you did say the horse wanted to get out," he said, laughing.

"A horse does not belong indoors! You tricked me into making a room, you did not say, picture a space that would accomodate a fucking horse! When you told me about the room all I knew was that Iwas gonna have to put a cube in it!"

"Babe relax, you said your horse was happy. Don't worry about it. You wanna hear about the storm?"

"No!"

"Sure you do, don't be so dramatic, you gonna cry or something?" The tears are coming now full force. "Oh shit you are crying. Babe don't take it so seriously, I don't know what I'm talking about."

"I know but I do."

"Well, the storm is your problems, and yours are prefectly normal and managable, they aren't a big deal for you!"

"They aren't a big deal because I've trapped myself in a room with no windows with tulips and a ladder and a confused horse so I can ignore my problems! Not better!'

I'm sobbing. On the metro. About retarded metaphores.

"Babe are you really crying?"

"Yes! What is wrong with you? You seriously do this to other people? Are you totally fucking sick? Do you like to needle at people's insecurities until they totally fall apart? You think that's funny or something?"

"Babe I was just teasing you!"

"You can tease me about liking reality tv and gingerbread lattes. You cannot tease me about having no self worth, ann unstable sense of myself that prevents me from accomplishing anything, for being incapable of being loved, for isolating myself rather than deal with problems. How is that funny? What is wrong with you?!"

"It's just a stupid game"

"I wouldn't be upset if it wasn't hitting a nerve?" Now I'm panicing. Everything I'm worried about is now right on the surface, I have to look at it and he can see it too. And I'm crying, and he's seeing me cry, about something so trivial. He knows I'm batshit crazy.

Hmm maybe I should be more careful with this whole "letting myself be vulnerable" thing.

naked

I get so irritated with the notion that girls that are into sex , who can't get enough of it, are somehow incapable of relationships or are emotionally distant. However I never made much of a case against it. I was always nice and content and easy to get along with because I refused to show any vulnerability and stayed away from anything that might suggest neediness. This evasiveness is especially bizarre when contrasted with how accesible I was physically. I very consciously used sex to avoid more difficult ways of interacting. I'd say, "I don't want to talk about this anymore, I'm gonna take my clothes off," or the classic-kissing-so-you-don't-have-to-talk move.

I guess using sex as an ice breaker is not fundementally wrong but I never got there. I would think, well I fooled around with that guy way too soon so now he thinks I'm a slut so I guess I can't talk to him again. Eliminating the option, giving up in order to avoid failing.

I have a theory that people really attach to what they think are their problems because it eliminates options and shrinks the available world down to a less overwhelming size. For example, "I'm not smart enough to do that," or, "I could never have kids because I'm too fucked up and I'm not maternal" Having kids sounds terrifying but saying you simply aren't capable is easier to reconcile in your head than making a choice.

Maybe it was easier, or at least less daunting, for me to say, "I can't be in a good relationship, I'm too fucked up and I wouldn't want to subject a decent guy to that, I can only be with other fucked up people and I cheat on them because that's who I am, not because I don't really want to be with them" That limits you to a realtionship that you can only get so much out of, and one where you can still be very guarded because you don't trust the other person and that's ok with you. If the only purpose your relationship has is sex and someone to drink with, it's a lot less likely to fail.

Before, with S, I really worked the angle of cool, sexy girl that doesn't need commitment, like I'd done before, but it didn't stop me from liking him quite a bit. I forgot to take down the Bitch facade so he figured, not unreasonably, that I didn't like him for anything but his dick.

Then he came back, talking to me again. He seemed....earnest, which was new, but I was apprehensive and knew that he was charming enough that my will power or cognitive abilities would not be sufficient to keep me out of trouble, so I just threw every bit of Crazy I had at him, every little thought I'd edited out of our conversations before for being too attached, too needy, too girly, too emotional, too interested... and he didn't seem phased. Suprised but not derailed.

I can tell him things, unpleasant things, things I'm worried or insecure about and it's not just that he's so reassuring and says exactly the right thing, but his affection for me doesn't seem to waver in the slightest, even as I rant about my mom or tell him I failed a test or admit to eating the entire container of cheese. Somehow it's all ok even when I'm showing him all of me

And I'm still very comfortable taking all my clothes off and throwing myself at him.

Daddy Issues

I never really liked my dad. He came into the picture when I was 3 or 4 (my step dad actually) and the story I've been told is that I was furious that this strange man was taking my mommy away from me. Apparently one evening I was so angry that he was intruding on me and my mom and monopolizing her attention that I took a shit in his bag. So there. My mom had been abandoned and divorced and had a baby to take care of, and even though he was still married to someone else, I don't think she could resist being rescued.

Growing up I always thought my dad was kind of a tool. He's too gregarious and to anxious to be every one's best friend. I was wary of most of what he said, even his affection for my mom seemed stagy and not genuine. Nothing about him was very genuine, he has money and he's eager to show everyone, and so he tries to have expensive tastes but gives himself away by ordering "Expresso" and abroad he's very much the embarrassing American. He needs constant admiration, he's always trying to tell me and my brother stories about how great he is at his job, not understanding that admiration from his children is not earned the way a promotion is earned. He's not smart, he uses words he thinks sound impressive in ways that indicate he does not know what they mean and yet he looks down on anyone without a graduate degree. He never remembers anything about anyone else, he calls people by the wrong names all the time and is not remotely embarrassed by it, he was never very interested in what I was doing in high school. He'd ask about school but not know what classes I was taking, what play I'd been at rehearsal for for the past 2 months, and everything is a vehicle for him to talk about himself. He's basically Michael Scott.

The only time he was interested in what I was doing was when I was out. That made him furious, and he would yell at my mom until she called me and told me I had to come home immediately. I thought it was all her, and all throughout high school I hated her for not letting me see my friends, sometimes grounding me from play rehearsal or other extracurricular activities for offenses that were never explained to me. I thought she was just a horrible, cruel woman, and I'd come home and cry and my dad would give me a sympathetic look and put all the responsibility on my mom. He never said anything to me, it all came through my mom. He'd later accuse her of not letting him be a father to me.

My mom is smarter than him and it scares him. He left her for his girlfriend from high school who never went to college and never left the area. She is so impressed by his Ph D, the fact that he can take her all over the world (even if it means I have to take out loans for school because money is suddenly a lot tighter...). and in return he's her little bitch, he jumps to answer her calls, which come about 15 times a day, he wears what she tells him too, he asks her before he does anything, he's stopped eating red meat even though he used to love steak, he used to love Bombay Sapphire Martinis and now he drinks fruity girl drinks because she made them from some recipe she cut out of redbook or something. He's become an emasculated little pussy whipped piece of shit.

My point is, I never liked him and I would be perfectly happy never to see him again. It sucks that now I have loans to pay off after I graduate and we're gonna have to sell the house and we can't go on vacation anymore and he can go to Hawaii and Paris with this other woman, but I'm not gonna miss him. My mom will still miss him, even though the man she was in love with doesn't exist anymore, and my brother will miss having a father he sees regularly, but I never liked him, I was never attached to him, so losing him is not painful for me.

When we went to family therapy (which was awesome, by the way, I had a kick ass time) I told the therapist that I didn't want anything to do with my dad, that he was never really a big part of my life and I would be happy not having a dad, but that my only hesitation was that this would most likely mess me up a little when it came to guys. As soon as I said it I tried to take it back, I didn't want to let my dad have the power to influence anything in my life, even if it was just through his absence. The therapist said that would be a problem for me no matter what, and that I was likely to pick guys that were somewhat distant like my dad if I wasn't careful.

That's a stock answer. I think it's somewhat more specialized than that. Actually looking at the boyfriends and quasi-boyfriends I've had, it's clear that I have been picking guys that I don't even like or respect. I find myself describing them as not that smart, insecure, not funny, boring, a little girly, not sexy... I could get close with them and comfortable and tell them I love them too but it made ending it very easy.

So my realization that I really like S terrifies me. I don't just like that he likes me, I'm not just feeling blown up by the attention and admiration, I like him, independent of that. So when he leaves me I won't be able to say I'm better off without him. I will miss him. I've never missed a boy after breaking up with them. I just miss the sex. I don't miss my dad. I just miss the money. It's going to suck really hard when S leaves me.

what a little tease

I'm such a terrible tease. Over the summer I hooked up with M. I was pleasantly suprised, had a great time, and left feeling affirmed in my cuteness. We said we'd hang out again sometime, but I was going to school, and even though he's fun I knew neither of us was making a trip for that.

When I went home over break I was totally hung up on S. Like, without question. So I ignored all of M's texts and calls. Real mature. When I was back at school I told him sorry, I was way busy. He wasn't mad, but he's gunning hard for Thanksgiving hook up. There's no way. But I'm being a douchebag, I'm letting him talk hiself into a hole while I respond with "yeah" "haha" "I dunno maybe" because I enjoy the attention.

I'm trying not to lie, but I'm being evasive

M- "I can't believe you don't have a boy at school, bein so sexy and all."
Me- "Yeah no one here I'm into really"
M- "haha that's good for me at least. You even hook up with anyone since you saw me?"
Me- "Well yeah" I can't quite justify lying
M- " :-( ouch babe. I mean, I guess don't worry about it, it happens"
Me- "Yes."
M- "I mean don't feel bad if you got drunk and did whatever."
Me- "Well not exactly"
M- "But those tits are mine"
Me- "um"
M- "As long as you come see me next time"
Me- "Well I don't know, we'll see"
M- "Don't like me anymore?"
Me- "I'll just have to see if I can"

I'm a little disgusted with myself. And this afternoon, out of no where....

M- "I wanna give you an orgasm again, like I did before."
Me- "Haha"
M- "I think I made you cum like 3 times right?"
Me- "lol" (whoa dude 3 times in almost 24 hours? I'm f-ing blown away)
M- "I wish you'd remembered your camera, I love jerkin off to ya" (yeah, I "forgot" that)
M- "But I'd rather have sex with you" (shit, really? wow)
Me- "well, yeah..."
M- "remember when i made you cum? Your legs were like, shaking, it was crazy."
Me- "yeah" (Ok, it wasn't bad, but compared to S? completely forgettable)
M- "You make me cum better than anyone, you know that?" (Yes, that's cause I'm phenomenal. I know.) "You gonna come see me soon right?"
Me- "yeah I'll have to see. Gotta class now, I'll ttyl"

This is wrong, isn't it? If I'm all about S, should I let M talk to me like that? I tell myself that because I don't really engage or encourage him as much as I used to, and because I don't agree to anything and I don't send him the pictures he asks for every day, I'm not accountable.

I like a boy.

I can't even be ambivalent, I tried. I fought it really hard, but it just got more difficult to convince myself the more emphatically and genuinely he explained himself. The good things (so sexy, so smart, apparantly crazy about me for more reasons than I thought) are irresistable and the bad things just seem like unfortunate misunderstandings and mistakes. Thursday night I just wanted to see him, he drove down.

While he was making the two hour drive I started to get nervous. I'm not as slim, toned, tan, highlighted, coiffed, polished, turned out as I would like to be. I thought about what I should wear, some pretty lingerie set, a little nighty, smokey eye makeup, heels?

Fuck that. I got out of the shower and combed my hair, put on the boxers and white cami I had on before and went back to watching Grey's Anatomy DVDs. There will be time for beautiful lingerie and fuck-me-heels soon.

Once we were in the bedroom he slowly peeled off all my clothes and laid me down on the bed, every inch of me in plain view. I couldn't have felt more comfortable or unselfconscious. "You look so gorgeous when you cum, I just wanna keep making you cum all night." We spent the night so intertwined with each other we couldn't have seen any of each other's flaws anyway.

Reluctant Cock Blocking

I'm home this weekend, and today my 15 year old brother has his girlfriend visiting. I'm supposed to check on them every once in a while and make sure she's not going down on him. Last time my mom found them on the couch with her head under a blanket. My brother is very very cool, he's good looking, great at sports, and very good with girls. His girlfriend is quiet, agreeable and completely beautiful. Her parents seem not to worried about her spending the day at her boyfriend's house "watching movies," probably because she is a Good Girl. I think parents forget that Good Girls are really good at doing what they are told.

My mom has read their IM conversations (which is sick, but he did print them out and leave them in the printer?) and they mostly consist of him talking about what they're going to do to each other. She's sent him cell phone pictures of her boobs. Welcome to the club. That shit is fun. But I didn't do that till I was 20.

Maybe this is typical of 15 year old interactions, but the way they work is he sets up an afternoon, she comes over and does...something... and then she sits on the bed or couch while he watches football or plays video games. I wonder how long it will take for her to realize she should expect more of him. I mean seriously, she's so beautiful, he should be looking at her, not the tv!

When I was 15 I was sort of awkward with my boyfriend, we watched a lot of movies with a blanket over our laps, and like my brother and his girlfriend, out interactions were dominated by not wanting to say or do the wrong thing. But it was mutual, my boyfriend seemed invested and he wanted me to be comfortable and happy. Instead, I stressed over why he wasn't trying to get me to do more. I had to initiate everything advance, and as a result I was paranoid for ages that I wasn't desirable. And like Anonymous commmented, you aren't going to have any more self esteem after hooking up with someone that you started with.

I just wonder how long it's going to take my brother's girlfriend to realize that, and to figure out that she should demand what she wants instead of trying to be what she thinks he wants. It's sure taking me a long time to get that through my head (but does anyone really?) . I thought beautiful skinny girls were already like that.

So maybe it's negligent on my part but I'm not worried about them "going too far," I think she's within her right to give him head if she wants to. I just hope she doesn't let him make her watch him play video games because that shit is degrading.

Momentum

Without fail, any success with one guy begetts more. It shouldn't suprise me anymore, especially since it makes such perfect sense. I mean, how attractive am I when it's clear to everyone around me I haven't gotten any in months? That drain on my self-esteem is probably palpable. But the upward trend is even more noteable.

The drunk dial praise I got a week ago gave me a little momentum, I know that makes me lame as hell but hey, I'll take it. That gave me the boost to get off my ass and go see that guy, even though I'd been psyching myself out, thinking he would most likely be disappointed with me.

Coming home on the train, this guy across the asile is sneaking glances. Mmm hi. As he gets off the train he taps me on the shoulder.
"Excuse me beutiful, I think you dropped this?" I look at the piece of paper in his hand.
"What?" I am so smooth.
"That's my phone number, I think you dropped it, here ya go."
Then I tried to be cool and flirty. I think it worked. "Oh thanks, I was looking for that."
"Good, I hope I talk to you soon."

How fucking cute, right? That's never happened to me before, someone randomly giving me their phone number!

Then a friend of mine asked me to go to a movie with him this afternoon. I figured a movie at 1:30 would mean no hooking up. He brought me chocoalte from his trip to Switzerland, bought the tickets in advance so I couldn't protest, held my hand throughout the movie, tried to surreptitiously move his hand up my skirt while I kept my legs tightly crossed. He brought me home and we made out on my couch, high school stylee. After probably confusing the hell out of him with my inability to put out, I pretty much kicked him out. What a bitch. Sorry sweetie, your timing was just so off.

But I am afraid now that in doing that, I have stopped the trend; I'm about to get some bad karma.

thanks for that

Just had one of the best self-induced, non battery powered orgasms in a while. I didn't even mean to. An accident. I was thinking about someone I shouldn't be thinking about for like, a list of reasons. Not a reason that would abviously make it hotter, like, “You can't do that, he's your teacher!” or a reason that makes it actully wrong, like “You can't do that, he's 16!” but a reason along the lines of, “You can't do that, that will end very very badly for you, and you should know better.” Normally when that sceario comes up in my head I either find something else to do, or I just... pretend it's someone else, that I have yet to meet, who makes me cum as good as he does but without the negative side effects. I can dream.

I'm hesitant, of course, to get off thinking about him That's soo maladaptive, right? The idea is to hook up with new people. But rather than stop myself this time I let it play out in my head. I was not unreasonable, obviously it's tempting to imagine him saying something like, oh you're so much hotter/better than the girl I'm dating now, but come on, even when rubbing one out I wouldn't be that self indulgent. I mean, no one's that predictable right?

No, actually more fun than feeling superior, I was enjoying the anxiousness I'd enevitably feel in such a situation, ya know, where you want to but you shouldn't... it's fun to imagine the knowing looks that say, Come on I know you're dying for it, your attempts at self control aren't fooling anyone. And as I sat there with his hand up my skirt some part of my brain would be pleading with me to stop him and I'd like to think that I would (in real life), but see, when it's in your head, you can do whatever you want. So, if I did let that shit go down, it might feel something like....ooh just like that. Mmm thanks babe.

Exactly!

It's really too bad, the way these things seem to work. And even understanding why something didn't work, and what you did wrong and being able to pin point the psychological mechanism that invariably ruins you doesn't make you any more capable of doing it right the next time around.

I will never be a Rules kinda girl. It's not that I don't want to play mind games or that I have some naive idea that you should always be yourself. I think I am just incapable of withholding sex as a means of negotiating. I blame this for all my problems. I understand that pursuit is important. It's like, in the first chapter of the social psych textbook. If you have to work hard for something, you're going to convince yourself that it was worth the work. The longer you wait in line to see the movie, the better you think it is. If you take a girl on lots of nice dates and bend over backwards to make her like you and she holds out on you for as long as possible, once you end up with her you aren't going to want to break up with her and admit to yourself how much time you've wasted because that would make you feel like a fool.

I do it too, I would not break up with my boyfriend a year ago because we had spent so much time together and even though we were making each other's lives miserable I didn't want to admit that I'd spent that much time screwing up my life more. I came up with ridiculous justifications, tried to tell myself that being happy all the time was for stupid people, that being unhappy was actually enlightenment, that I would be sadder without him. Obviously this was something worthwhile, or I wouldn't have put all this work in, right?

I know I make things too easy. I want you all the time, I'm happy to suck your dick, I'm thrilled when you touch me, when you make me cum I feel like there's nothing else I could want out of life. I'm saying, it doesn't take that much to make me happy. I don't have high expectations, and I am not trying to change that about myself. I've discovered I like being happy.

It's not in my nature to be challenging! It's counter intuitive to me. If I want you, I feel lucky to get you and I let you know. But I know this is effectively sabotage, clever girls know to act like you're the lucky one, like they're doing you a favor by letting you touch them. I don't mind being the lucky one. I think it's great when I get exactly what I want. I am not that good an actress, I can't pretend that I'm not turned on by you so much as looking at me, I can't pretend that I'm not dying to make you cum, and even though I know I shouldn't make it easy I just can't bring myself to do anything that would make it harder. I don't want to be a chore. I want to be the reward; for what, I don't know or care. I want to be the guilty pleasure, I want to be no work and all play.

Is there some puritanical pro-work ethic mindset that makes you think that it can't be that easy? I firmly believe that you can have it all without any suffering, if you have the presence of mind and the cognitive ability to not feel guilty for having fun. And if not, if you don't buy it, there are plenty of self righteous vindictive emasculating girls out there with hoops for you to jump through, if that helps you sleep at night.

I don't care for Ecstacy

I think E is a little over-rated. I used to think it would be such a perfect drug for me, fascilitating slutty hedonistic behavior so well, but I didn't plan on like, looking for it because it sounded so bad and taboo, not an everyday drug like weed or coke. Also people had told me that if I had sex on Ecstacy I would never have an orgasm again. This scared me when I was like, 16, and they were relatively hard to come by, but later I was like, bitch please, I think I have it under control, thanks.

My ex boyfriend Will offered it when we were hanging out one night. We'd been broken up for a while and were getting back into being friends, which would turn into sex soon enough. This was like our third time around. We're sitting on a bench and his skeezy dealer friend walks by. Will puts is arm around me and says, "Hey John to you have any E?" John looks back and forth at us. He hates me. 'For two? yeah" Wil asks me if I want to. and offers to pay. It's so unsmooth and obvious it's almost endearing. "Yeah but I'm not going to have sex with you." Will gets 10 points for not laughing out loud. "uh yeah....ok."

Our shit was in powder form. Reliable sources have informed me that this means it's good, but that shit tore up my nose so I made him give me a ritalin to chase it with.

As we started making out I fell back into sex-with-Will mode very thouroughly. You know how when you hook up with someone you used to be familliar with, but haven't had in a while, it takes you a little while to remember what to do with them, exactly? It didn't take me very long, maybe because Will is so fucking weird. He used to beg me to smack him in the face when we fooled around, and if I was mad at him I could, but I think I killed the sentiment by saying "omigod I'm so sorry dude are you ok you sure?" One time he was shredding a tire with a knife and when I asked him why he said h was making a cat o nine tails for me to use on him. I think I was wearing a pink polo and pearls at the time, and I laughed my ass off. He really wanted to be tied up and whipped, beaten, fucked in the ass with a strap on, and I truly wanted to be a good girlfriend, I swear, but I just can't.

the best I could do was the standard hair pulling, biting, and scratching when we were fucking, which I doled out in full effect under the influence of E. Later we were doing lines with Paul and Will had not put his shirt back on. He kept walking around, probably oblivious to the vicous clawings all over his back. I tore that kid up, I think I drew blood. He had a scar a week later. I'm almost proud of myself.

But really, the sex, not that good. I gave it 100%, I worked hard, but far from the "best sex i'd ever had", as so many people had said it would be. Not even the best sex I ever had with Will. The high felt more like a combination of whippets and drunkeness, which made me feel a little dissociated, like I was directing myself from on off-screen location. I came but I never got to where I know I could, I didn't feel my head spin, my body didn't fill up and explode, my legs didn't shake, I didn't get a real, thourough release. I could tell that I was done but I felt like maybe I had missed it, like I hadn't been paying attention. Stupid Ecstacy. I guess there are no drugs that go well with sex?

summer time

This is where I will be living this summer. With 100 other students. Just like last year. Across the street there is a grocery store, an ekered, a chinese food place, and a liquor store. We made booze runs like 3 times a week.

It seems inevitable that people would hook up, right? We did, of course, but the only thing worth noting was Rhyan and Nora. Rhyan is unlike anyone I have ever met. He looks like an abercrombie model and he is probably a sociopath. He was truly mean to people (girls) and didn't ease up when it hit a nerve (I swear this guy thrived of off girls' body issues).

On a drunken night he hooked up with Nora. Nora is cute, not gorgeous, she has a preppy body type but not thin (no boobs, flat ass. I'm not criticizing, she looks great in J Crew. She worked there. I'm jealous) But she did that thing that girls do, where she figured now they were going out and that she could expect him to hang out with her most nights, that she could sleep in his bed whenever she wanted, that they would keep hooking up.

I don't think he liked her, but he didn't want to admit to himself that he was hooking up with a girl he didn't like, so rather than back off he just let it come out as nasty comments and mean gestures. He would make fun of the way her ass didn't totally fill out her bathing suit bottom as she was coming out of the pool, in front off their whole group of friends. He would cut her down in big groups, play little tricks on her, just genenrally treat her like crap. She assured me he was different when they were alone.

One night they were playing around and he held her arm and punched her right in the center of her upper arm, over and over. It was the worst bruuise I've ever seen and I've plent of drunkenly acquired bruises. It was black, about 3 inches across, and it lasted more than a week till it turned that sick yellow color. She thought it was great. She wore short sleeves even when we were all wearing sweaters against the air conditioning, she doodled on it at work with a sharpie, drew arrows pointing to it, and showed it to anyone she could. She was proud of it, she thought it meant she was in with his crew.

I thought it was kind of sick, both that he would hit a girl, that hard, and that she would take it so cheerfully. The dynamic was representative of every interaction- Rhyan beat up on her and she took it and thought it meant they were close, that she understood him. It's heartbreaking to watch, I just hope I never end up letting that happen to me.

Maybe this summer will be less theatrical.

Lines

Apprantly wanting something is not the same thing as liking it. This great article in Elle, with a fascinating study on dopamine in rats (Elle - Vogue for science majors!) described how it's so hard to consciously differentiate between the two but they are not nearly as correlated as you'd think.

Coke is exemplary. Not that I don't love the actual high from coke, the way you can feel it in your bloodstream in the front of your face, the way your mouth feels with the powderey residue on your gums, etc, dude you know what I mean. But god, I love the buildup.

Before spring break my friend Paul came to school. He'd dropped out a while ago, he's the friend you have that is your Drug Friend, and he might be the sexiest guy I've ever seen at that school. after talking to him about getting coke, I went to the apartment where he'd be. He was playing guitar for hours in another room, but the time I spent making half-assed small-talk made me so much more excited when he walked in the room.

Paul always wears silky pajama pants and a loose fitting shirt of a simillar fabric in mismatched prints. From the neck up he looks like the Gucci guy, if the Gucci guy was robotripping.

He lets me know he's ready to get in to it. "Do you want to go to your place?" "Um....." my hesitation is not based in that kind of anxiousness about being alone with him. Yeah sure, the Gucci guy is gonna try to get with me. I'm simply embarassed about the state of my room. Nevermind that Paul has been living out of his car.

We end up busting into our respecitve half-gram bags in the apartment of our mutal friends. I make long, impossibly skinny lines; many of them. Between turns we pass around a bowl and a bottle of Jack Daniels and I smile because I love college. Each time, I shake out a small pile of coke and I make 3 razor thin lines along the back of a psych textbook. "Sarah, are you gonna take those lines soon?" Yes, soon, but come on, look how inviting they are! I like to draw out the time between lines. I love thinking about how much I want it before I can have it. I like watching Paul do his lines, too. I like watching Paul light his cigarettes when we go outside for one and I very much enjoy when he, or any beautiful boy, leans in to light my cigarette.

Around 8 am I figure out that I should leave. Stoned as hell, I walk out with Paul and pass him a cigarette. He says, "Thanks, love," in dead-on Jack Sparrow and I hug him goodbye. For a awkwardly long time. And I try to walk away but he pulls me in tighter and runs his hands down my body. He tries to kiss me and I turn my head. (did I mention how sexy he is? wtf?) Maybe it was the weed but I think in some cases it's more fun just to want something.

my ex-fake-boyfriend Mark likes to IM me randomly and do that "trip down memory lane" thing that I enjoy so much. He's a good kid, he was the first person to tell me I was hot, so I have some affection for him. He's dumb as a stone; if I didn't get off on attention and if he wasn't so pretty I would have cut him off by now because shit he is so boring.

Mark goes back and forth between "remember that time we..." and "you know what we should do..." I can't beleive how much he remembers about specific instances. "Remember the second to last time we had sex that summer, after the party at the house behind 7 11? like, we went for so long cause we were all drunk. And you passed out like right away lol" yeah man that 15 minutes was epic. Not kidding, this kid told me not to move my hips while we had sex because it made him cum too fast. Same with me being on top. And guys who wanna fuck a girl from behind are "just tryin to be gangsta or some shit."

The other day he asked me, "I never got you off, did I?" wait were you trying to? what kind of sub par Bush-administration-approved sex ed course did you have in high school?!
"Welllll no..."
"Damn why's it so hard to get girls off?"
"Actually I get off pretty easily, I think."
"Haha I don't think so" oh, well if you say so, Mark....

I was making out with him ooutside my building, I'm trying to go home and he keeps kissing my neck and that shit always, always works, so I end up running my hands down his abs to the button of his pants and say "I mean you can come with me and hang out if you want..." He says he couldn't beleive how fast I got my clothes off, and his. I wasn't wasting any time. While we were fooling around I remember wondering why he wasn't making any attempt to eat me out or finger me or anything at all, I was doing everything. I thought, this is an awful lot like high school for someone 2 years older than me!

I hooked up with him some more, thinking he'd get around to it and eventually I gave up but kept hooking up with him because it was easy and there were perks. Giving him head took very little time or effort and he was soo fucking grateful, every time I'd hear a sad story about how his ex girlfriend never would. And his friend Grant was more fun (last I heard, working in the porn industry, took first naked pics of me, and they looked so good I couldn't beleive it was me when I looked at them and deleted them once he passed out) but that was no sleepover thing.

But anyways. Mark is pretty dumb. He can start a sentance with "I loved it when you..." or "I really miss your..." and I start the sentance a little excited but he manages to take the sexy out of everything by sounding like he's in middle school pretending he's an adult.

He told me I looked like two porn stars he'd seen. The first looked not at all like me. Skinny with big boobs and light brown hair but that's it. But at least she was an actual porn star- "Damn, you're fucking Ron Jeremey in this video!" The next video he sent was just some random bloated looking lard ass lobotmized special ed girl who couldn't figure out how to put a dick in her mouth and should never be video taped doing anything, ever. (The idea of Mark and this girl trying to figure out how to fuck at all is actually hillarious. And it's not wrong to laugh, because they aren't retarded, they're just losers) I said "Fuck you I am not nearly as fat as her!" "Well no but your boobs are that big." "they don't look like that! Her tits look like my mom's! ...I think" So I had to send him a few pictures, he seemed cofused. "You are skinny in this picture! I can see yo ribs!" "I told you I wasn't as fat as her!" And then I blocked him because I don't want to talk to someone who would tell me I look like that girl.

More importantly, the video upset me because if someone were videotaping me I sure as hell wouldn't half ass it. Tyra has taught me that you have to commit to whatever you do and find your best angles to hide your flaws and even if you have a gag reflex you model through it.

Myspace Whore

It's really lame but I get such a lil rush from random people I don't know IMing me or myspacing me or facebooking me with an appraising comment. When I get a random message that says something like, "you look really hot in your pic" or even "we should meet up some time, you look really sexy..." it's obviously going to make me feel like the shit. Don't pretend you're creeped out when that happens. (BTW my myspace doesn't have those skanked out airbushed obviousy posed pictures that these 16 year old girls took of each other at sleepovers, just drunk, broke-down, dirty hair, goofy pictures).

The internet's great, it's like when we would walk along the side of the road after school and boys in trucks would honk at us. My friends would turn around and flip them off but I'm not gonna lie, I love attention. I'd give the guys in cars a little nod, smile, practicing the slut face I use at parties when I'm trying to get with someone. I'd do the same shit if someone said something to me at the mall, on the street. They're all talk so I think it's fun to call them on it.

And when random people IM me, maybe I'm supposed to be like, I don't know you, don't talk to me! But I'll talk and be friendly and cute and flirt a little. This guy's been talking to me and he claims to not know where he got my screenname. Please. Here's how I have his screenname- someone IMed me freshman year and said, "So your facebook says you're looking for random play. How about right now? Guess not. (signed off)" I don't know who he is, I don't know if he knows who I am but it's a fun idea right? He keeps saying we should hang out and drink, and I'm like, "yeah let's do that! let me know. yeah whiskey's great. I have a single." Cause come on we're not gonna hang out. I enjoy calling people out on that shit.

Not interested!

That guy that wants a stupid threesome IMed me again!

"So last time, I was drunk, but we clarified that you aren't into group things right?"
(depends on the group, obviously. What a self-deluding twat)
"Right."
"So you wouldn't want to do anything with me and my girlfriend?"
"Not really, no."
"Not really?"
"No."

I'm terrible, the first time I talked to him I knew that there was no way in hell I could fuck him. I just couldn't. I'm hard up for it and I am not picky but this fucking guy??? He's a bad guy and he verbally abused his ex girlfriend and tried to break her door down (not that she's easy to get along with, but still) and he's not attractive and neither is his girlfriend and he's like 5 feet tall and he has a small penis (I hear.) That last one was dumb. I should have just said no fucking way in hell I would rather die. It's good to be clear, right?

But for some reason I ended up having like a half hour conversation about all the shit they're into, all the toys they have, as if a smorgasboard of dildos and all the details are going to be the deciding factor. "Oh it's purple? Well why didn't you say so! I'm totally down if it's purple!" He also went into what his gf wants, specifically some domme chick who'd be called mistress and fuck her with all this crap and use the riding crop (I do like the iconography of a riding crop, but not that much, and I'd rather be on the other side of it, you know?) I found myself explaining that I don't do Domme at all. This negotiation process is unfamiliar to me. And it's not like you're paying me, douchebag! What makes you think you are in any place to make demands?

I'm trying to just be conversational so I'm like, yeah I've done that, oh wow a 12 inch dildo, yeah I have handcuffs, they're hot, your girlfriend sounds pretty cool... And the next thing I know he says, "so you wanna come watch a movie and drink with us some time?" When this conversation started I said no! I can't even fathom the awkwardness of that situation. I say maybe I'll bump into them at a party or something.

"Are you going to Black Valentine?"
"Ooh yeah that'd be cool, I'll prolly go."
"It's way up the road, we can give you a ride :-)"

No.

Damn it, I figured I could go and mingle and get drunk and make out wiht his gf and then leave at exactly the right time and go to a less terrifying party. I can't even handle that scene, I'm not hardcore enough and I like money and beer pong and I don't know the right obscure bands and I don't smoke enough weed and I'm not wearing anything from a thrift store and my haircut looks like every damn sorority girl.

"Can you think of a good reason why not?" Well, I don't really want to, but I see your point. "Come on, why say no to a night of crazy sex?" Because ya'll are overwhelming, I don't want to be hooking up with a girl, doing a whole group thing, double penetration with dildos and vibrators and strap ons, playing the BDSM angle from, it sounds like, both sides, trying to look good and acting my ass off pretending to be attracted to either of them. It sounds exhausting. The sex industry is not for me. I would need like $300 for that.

Never Have I Ever

Some people like Make a Rule or Waterfall, I like Never Have I Ever cause I am always out first. This school is weird. The first never have I ever- "never have I ever used a vibrator" I figure this is like, the one that everyone should drink for, so I put a finger down and reach for my beer. Everyone else is perfectly still, staring at me. "heh... um.. I mean...." "Nope, we saw you, you're not fooling anyone!" I look around at these stunned faces. "Seriously? No one else? Just me? Alright"

The next guy says, "Never have I ever enjoyed taking it up the ass!" All the girls go, "eww gross why would you even say that? Ewwww ASS! Gross!" I'm shifty-eyed but I stay perfectly still and hope that no one looks at me. The guy explains this is a running joke among the cast. You guys call yourselves theater kids?

"Never have I ever made out with a girl"
"Never have I ever had sex in a moving car"
"Does oral count?"
"Yes"
"Never have I ever had sex high"
"Never have I ever done coke"
"Never have I ever had sex in an academic building"

What is this, high school? I'm starting to not feel as bad about my rut, at least I have good stories.

well it's nice to feel wanted?

Back in the day (fall '05), Will and I hung out with a his best friend and his girlfriend, who was great to hang out with and one of the few decent girls I've met here, but sort of a shit show and admittedly would make a hellish girlfriend. When they had a high drama, intense, blog-aggravated break up, the guy decided he hated me because I was on his ex-gf's side. Or whatever. Since then he de-friended me on facebook, wouldn't respond or look me in the eye if I passed him and said hi or if he was with a friend would say something passive-agressively mean and threatening as they walked by. Is undeniably a mysoginist.

Got an IM from him today;

him: do you do chicks?
me: lol why?
him: my gf is bi and I'm looking for chicks to join us for some fun some time
me: that's pretty sweet for you
him: so do you swing that way?
me: I have but I'm not really into it
him: are you into any of the following: bdsm, anal, double penetration?
me: haha are you doing a survey?
him: just seeing if there is anythign you'd be into
me: nah not really
him: alright, sorry for bothering you
me: no problem
me: good luck finding someone

I wanted to say, "Mmmm yeah, I totally do girls. I've been dying for a girl, I wanna do that again soon. I was hoping I'd find some other couple who'd be into that. And to your second question, yes, all of the above. But you? Not so much. You're a cunt" Would that have been horribly bitchy, or appropriately so, considering what a douche he'd been to me? I was polite. How lame.

I don't doubt that he still hates me, but I don't think any amount of vicodin and ecstacy or any degree of a manic episode could make me not hate myself. And seriously, does he think I would answer such questions for him?

It's so unfortunate that the only appealing threesome is the random kind or the guest star kind (just not this situation, obviously. Other couples I know, however....) Props to this girl for agreeing and seemingly having such a good attitude. His old girlfriend was genuinely into girls. I woulda done it then, although more to hook up with her than with him (what?) She brought a girl back to his room with him, and then locked him out while they hooked up. Burn.