faith

I like to think that I'm a very rational person; I try to give emotions as little imput as possible. I think, as a result, I'm really bad at mitigating them.

On the metro (whhy is this such an emotional place for me?) I said something about how sad it is that predjudice againsnt gay people is so prevalent, that it's no better than racism. S described himself as hating the sin, not the sinner. "But that implies homosexuality is a sin,"' I responded. "Well, yeah, I think it is." Ummm. "You mean, the bible would say it's a sin?" S- "Yeah, I beleive that it's a sin."' S is incredibly tolerant and compassionate, wouldn't deny anyone the same rights as anyone else, cares deeply about his gay friends and wouldn't want them living a life that didn't make them happy, doesn't think they are going to hell. And yet he can say that he truly believes that homosexuality is a sin.

I tried to argue with him, I got frustrated, I got sad and started to tell myself that we had to break up right now, I got angry and told him it was because of hs beleif that hate crimes were comitted, that anyone who would belive something on the basis of an antiquated book lacked intelligence or sanity.

And then he got mad. How could I call him intolerant when he stood by friendswho had come out when their family and other friends wouldn't? He had never imposed his faith on anyone else, yet somehow I felt justified in cutting down his beleif system because I disagreed with it? I'd never seen him that angry. I can't remember the last time I saw anyone that angry. I was terrified, not of the explosive display of angry but as I realized what I'd done, terrified that by talking to him like he was some horrible biggot when I know he's a wonderful, tolerant person and by showing such contempt for something so important to him, I was going to aliente myself from him beyond repair because of my intolerance.

I'll never understand faith. Anything related should not be open for discussion, not to aoid argument but because an argument cannot even be made between us. We'll always speak different languages when we talk about religion. I can hardly understand beleiving in something. I know what words like Think, Feel, and Know mean, but the word Beleive seems like this hybrid of those, the certitude without the basis. Belifes are scary, you can't reason with a belife.

We got home and I cried, we appolgized (for overreacting, for blowing up, for not understanding). "you're struggling with hearing me say this," S said, "but I've been struggling with it for a long time, reconciling that part of what I bleive with the more important part, to love everyone." What can I say?

And then for the first time in my life I had make up sex, and it was everything I was lead to beleive it would be. I think an intense bout of crying right before is the real key. Hot right?