naked

I get so irritated with the notion that girls that are into sex , who can't get enough of it, are somehow incapable of relationships or are emotionally distant. However I never made much of a case against it. I was always nice and content and easy to get along with because I refused to show any vulnerability and stayed away from anything that might suggest neediness. This evasiveness is especially bizarre when contrasted with how accesible I was physically. I very consciously used sex to avoid more difficult ways of interacting. I'd say, "I don't want to talk about this anymore, I'm gonna take my clothes off," or the classic-kissing-so-you-don't-have-to-talk move.

I guess using sex as an ice breaker is not fundementally wrong but I never got there. I would think, well I fooled around with that guy way too soon so now he thinks I'm a slut so I guess I can't talk to him again. Eliminating the option, giving up in order to avoid failing.

I have a theory that people really attach to what they think are their problems because it eliminates options and shrinks the available world down to a less overwhelming size. For example, "I'm not smart enough to do that," or, "I could never have kids because I'm too fucked up and I'm not maternal" Having kids sounds terrifying but saying you simply aren't capable is easier to reconcile in your head than making a choice.

Maybe it was easier, or at least less daunting, for me to say, "I can't be in a good relationship, I'm too fucked up and I wouldn't want to subject a decent guy to that, I can only be with other fucked up people and I cheat on them because that's who I am, not because I don't really want to be with them" That limits you to a realtionship that you can only get so much out of, and one where you can still be very guarded because you don't trust the other person and that's ok with you. If the only purpose your relationship has is sex and someone to drink with, it's a lot less likely to fail.

Before, with S, I really worked the angle of cool, sexy girl that doesn't need commitment, like I'd done before, but it didn't stop me from liking him quite a bit. I forgot to take down the Bitch facade so he figured, not unreasonably, that I didn't like him for anything but his dick.

Then he came back, talking to me again. He seemed....earnest, which was new, but I was apprehensive and knew that he was charming enough that my will power or cognitive abilities would not be sufficient to keep me out of trouble, so I just threw every bit of Crazy I had at him, every little thought I'd edited out of our conversations before for being too attached, too needy, too girly, too emotional, too interested... and he didn't seem phased. Suprised but not derailed.

I can tell him things, unpleasant things, things I'm worried or insecure about and it's not just that he's so reassuring and says exactly the right thing, but his affection for me doesn't seem to waver in the slightest, even as I rant about my mom or tell him I failed a test or admit to eating the entire container of cheese. Somehow it's all ok even when I'm showing him all of me

And I'm still very comfortable taking all my clothes off and throwing myself at him.