Scenes from the Metro

"Ok I'm gonna play the cube game with you," S said with a devious little smile. "It's a fun psychoanalysis game, to let me know how fucked up you are." Sounds like fun to me. I'll take any personality quiz, I'll contemplate my fucked-up-ness for an entire afternoon. Bring it.

"Ok picture a space, like a room. Any space." Ok. Four walls, ceiling, floor. "Now picture a cube. What's it look like?"

"It's about the size of a rubik's cube, but it's black and shiny."


"Is it opaque or transparent? Where is it?"

"It's definitly opaque, very solid, sitting on the floor."

"Ok now there's a bed of flow- no, just flowers, what do they look like?"

"Well since you said bed or course it's a bed. The bed is set in the hardwood floor, two by three feet, and that space is filled with flowers."

"And the flowers, are they big or small?"

"They're big, tall, like tulips and daffodils. Very lush."

"Ok there's a ladder, where is it?"

"It's a normal like eight foot ladder, up against the wall."

"Ok, ok that's good, against the wall..."

"Yeah I guess it just leads to the ceiling. I don't want to climb it."

"You don't?"

"No, I mean, it's not like it goes anywhere, and the floor does not look like it has a very high coefficient of friction, the ladder will probably slip."

"Interesting. Now there's a horse."

"There's a horse? In the room?"

"Sure."

"If you say so"

"So describe the horse.'

"He's very pretty, he's just chilling. Eating some flowers."

"The horse is eating the flowers?"

"Sure, horses eat flowers right? I mean, deer eat flowers. A horse would too, if you put them in front of him. And what else is he gonna do? Climb the ladder? Play with my cube? It's a horse!"

"Well....ok..... does he seem happy to be there?"

"I guess, he's hanging out. I'm sure he'd rather be outside. He's a horse. He doesn't belong indoors"

"Hmm. Ok. Well there's a storm. Describe it."

"Well it's just thunder and lightening and rain and all but I like thunderstorms. And it's outside. I'm inside. And there are no windows so I can't even see it."

"Wow. Ok. Well....damn babe. Your cube is your ego. I guess yours is dark and small. Maybe you have low self worth, or just that you aren't egomaniacal. And it's opaque and black...." he went on to talk about when he first met me and how I'm slow to open up... While he was talking I thought about my cube. Through the exercise it was either like a black ipod shaped like a cube, shiny plastic and high tech looking, or a very dense, almost luminous perfect cube of obsidion. In either case, valuabe significant objects. I like my cube.

He went on, "It's interesting that it's dark and opaque, you're kind of provate about like, personal stuff." Yeah you could say that. Maybe you shouldn't be trying to break open my cube.

"The flowers are your family and friends." I smiled. There weren't a whole lot but they filled the space alotted and they were beautiful and healthy. He said he ave the same test to a mutual friend. "She had lots of little flowers that covered the whole space. She is quite the social butterfly."

"Now the ladder is your goals and aspirations." Oh. Shit. My stomach turned. "It's interesting that you think the base is unstable, but yeah, you don't seem to have a good sense of what you want so you don't know where to go." There I am halfway up the ladder and it slips out from under me, sending me crashing to the floor. My eyes welled up with tears and I turned my head away. "Oh that's hillarious."

"Now the horse...haha all girls call the horse "he". The horse is your ideal mate." Lump in my throat. "And you said the horse didn't belong in the room!'

"Babe, stop, I don't wanna play anymore."

"Oh are you gonna cry?"

"No"

"Look at me."

"No."

"Oh, and you had the horse eating the flowers? That's crazy, I have never heard anything like that. In fact no one has ever questioned the presence of the horse before!"

"It's not my fault, you confnused me! A horse could eat flowers!"

"Well you did say the horse wanted to get out," he said, laughing.

"A horse does not belong indoors! You tricked me into making a room, you did not say, picture a space that would accomodate a fucking horse! When you told me about the room all I knew was that Iwas gonna have to put a cube in it!"

"Babe relax, you said your horse was happy. Don't worry about it. You wanna hear about the storm?"

"No!"

"Sure you do, don't be so dramatic, you gonna cry or something?" The tears are coming now full force. "Oh shit you are crying. Babe don't take it so seriously, I don't know what I'm talking about."

"I know but I do."

"Well, the storm is your problems, and yours are prefectly normal and managable, they aren't a big deal for you!"

"They aren't a big deal because I've trapped myself in a room with no windows with tulips and a ladder and a confused horse so I can ignore my problems! Not better!'

I'm sobbing. On the metro. About retarded metaphores.

"Babe are you really crying?"

"Yes! What is wrong with you? You seriously do this to other people? Are you totally fucking sick? Do you like to needle at people's insecurities until they totally fall apart? You think that's funny or something?"

"Babe I was just teasing you!"

"You can tease me about liking reality tv and gingerbread lattes. You cannot tease me about having no self worth, ann unstable sense of myself that prevents me from accomplishing anything, for being incapable of being loved, for isolating myself rather than deal with problems. How is that funny? What is wrong with you?!"

"It's just a stupid game"

"I wouldn't be upset if it wasn't hitting a nerve?" Now I'm panicing. Everything I'm worried about is now right on the surface, I have to look at it and he can see it too. And I'm crying, and he's seeing me cry, about something so trivial. He knows I'm batshit crazy.

Hmm maybe I should be more careful with this whole "letting myself be vulnerable" thing.