Strings Attached?
I have a research advisor here at school who often takes on the role of sugar daddy. Through a lot of good luck, he has found himself with more money than he knows what to do with, and for some reason, he is very attached to me. It may be the fact that he taught my mother when he was just starting at this college and liked her quite a lot, it may be that I look eerily simillar to his wife (who was a model for Yves St Laurent many many years ago, omg!) but I think it's mostly fueled by typical old-man desire to "help" people. I think he has reached the age where he wants to leave a legacy, and he has more or less been disappointed by his children.
He plays the role of doting father, but because I have never experienced that, I'm sort of uneasy. That doesn't stop me though, I've already let him buy me a very expensive Cole Haan purse, to slip me envelopes of cash when I go out of town for a weekend. My pride and my desire for true financial indpendence are sometimes outweighed by my materialism.
Starting in May, I'll get a graduate student stipend. My advisor will supplement this stipend, because he can. I know that he expects more of his graduate studets than most do. The extra money means working longer and harder, that's reasonable. On the DL, he's giving me a few grand to "invest", as long as I meet with him a few times a week to to let him advise me on my investment strategy. Ok then.
My boy is visiting this weekend, and he will meet this very weird man. Before meeting him, my advisor has offered his frequent flier miles to anywhere in the US, for Spring Break. Reaction #1- hells yeah! Reaction #2- You are a creepy creepy man.
I have experienced that, in accepting these sorts of favors, there are always strings attached, even if it's just a nagging feeling that you don't deserve what you have or that you'll always be indebted to someone. I can't decide whether to accept the tickets or not. S is uncomfortable too, understandably.
I told my advisor's other grad student about his offer. "Aww that'll be so much fun, that's so nice of him!" he said.
"Yeah I don't know, it's kind of uncomfortable."
"Nah, why's that?"
"Well, I'm not sure how my boy feels about it...."
"No?"
"Well, how would you feel if your girlfriend worked for this guy that liked her a lot and spent a lot of time with her, took her out to dinner a lot, bought her a lot of stuff, got her drunk, and gave her expensive gifts and vacations and was taking her to France this summer?"
"Oh no, that would not be ok, I'd wanna fight 'im."
"Yeah, you see, it sounds really bad."
"Shit yeah. So your boy's gonna meet him this weekend?"
"Yeah. Oh, it will be some fun."
"Is he gonna start some shit? Is he gonna try to throw down at dinner, he gonna get mad and shit?"
"What? Oh, no. No he's not like, retarded!"
We'll see. Either way, it will be interesting. And damn, I'd love a long weekend in a hotel room with my boy over break...
He plays the role of doting father, but because I have never experienced that, I'm sort of uneasy. That doesn't stop me though, I've already let him buy me a very expensive Cole Haan purse, to slip me envelopes of cash when I go out of town for a weekend. My pride and my desire for true financial indpendence are sometimes outweighed by my materialism.
Starting in May, I'll get a graduate student stipend. My advisor will supplement this stipend, because he can. I know that he expects more of his graduate studets than most do. The extra money means working longer and harder, that's reasonable. On the DL, he's giving me a few grand to "invest", as long as I meet with him a few times a week to to let him advise me on my investment strategy. Ok then.
My boy is visiting this weekend, and he will meet this very weird man. Before meeting him, my advisor has offered his frequent flier miles to anywhere in the US, for Spring Break. Reaction #1- hells yeah! Reaction #2- You are a creepy creepy man.
I have experienced that, in accepting these sorts of favors, there are always strings attached, even if it's just a nagging feeling that you don't deserve what you have or that you'll always be indebted to someone. I can't decide whether to accept the tickets or not. S is uncomfortable too, understandably.
I told my advisor's other grad student about his offer. "Aww that'll be so much fun, that's so nice of him!" he said.
"Yeah I don't know, it's kind of uncomfortable."
"Nah, why's that?"
"Well, I'm not sure how my boy feels about it...."
"No?"
"Well, how would you feel if your girlfriend worked for this guy that liked her a lot and spent a lot of time with her, took her out to dinner a lot, bought her a lot of stuff, got her drunk, and gave her expensive gifts and vacations and was taking her to France this summer?"
"Oh no, that would not be ok, I'd wanna fight 'im."
"Yeah, you see, it sounds really bad."
"Shit yeah. So your boy's gonna meet him this weekend?"
"Yeah. Oh, it will be some fun."
"Is he gonna start some shit? Is he gonna try to throw down at dinner, he gonna get mad and shit?"
"What? Oh, no. No he's not like, retarded!"
We'll see. Either way, it will be interesting. And damn, I'd love a long weekend in a hotel room with my boy over break...
Labels: being responsible, my advisor, S
posted by Sarah at 10:19 PM
10 Comments:
your advisor is fucking creepy
yeaaah.... eventually he is going to expect a definite something in return. bets on what its going to be?
WTF? Either this is BS or you're out of your mind. I'm graduate chair at a major research institution and what you described is clearly unethical behavior that would result in serious censure here (if not worse) for any professor who behaved in this way. And as for you, what would you think of an employer who chose to give money on the side to an employee? Would you take money from such a person and not expect to give something in return? If what you say is true, this represents totally inappropriate behavior on both sides, and you have to put a stop to it *immediately*.
Anonymous, while I agree with you that it's completely unethical on the professor's part and treading on dangerous ground on the part of our heroine, you are naive as shit if you think this doesn't happen at universities all over the country on a daily basis.
Sabina--
In the first place, you should learn some manners. You are one of those people who seem to believe that because you aren't in public when writing on the internet, you can write any rude and uncivil thing that comes into your head. I find it very hard to believe that you would call me "naive as shit" to my face, so you should refrain from talking that way on the internet.
In any event, if you reread what I said, you will see that I made no comment about what does or doesn't go on "at universities all over this country on a daily basis." What I said was that this is wrong.
You certainly are prone to gross generalizations. In eleven years, I've heard in my Department of three incidents involving personal relationships between professors and students. One nearly ended a marriage, a second resulted in a permanent relationship, and the third did result in a marriage between the student and professor (and a divorce from a previous wife). I've *never* heard of professors giving "envelopes of cash" to students.
The blog writer here seems to speak as if this is some sort of vaguely distasteful but nonetheless amusing quirk on the part of her advisor. If this really is going on, then she should halt it immediately, as is perfectly within her power to do. Such behavior does not in fact go on regularly, it is a clear violation of any reputable university's regulations, and should not in any way be encouraged. This advice is not "naive as shit"--it's the "straight shit".
Ok, it's really not as bad as it sounds. My advisor is good friends with my mom, one of said enveleopes of cash was given with the instructions "You and your mom should have a bottle of wine at this wine bar when you go to new york" He has given another student his frequent flier miles for a trip.
This isn't a "student prefessor relationship" in the mmovie-drama sense. He's a family friend that is admittedly innapropriate with money. He's 65, he's older than my mom, he taught her when she was here, and I am as close, if not closer, to his wife as I am to him.
It's not a great situation, it's kind of innapropriate but not unethical
Unethical? Yes. Creepy? Yes. Happens often? Yes. I say take the money. There is nothing in writing right? He can't ask for it back as he'd be in trouble. Who is he gonna cry to, the president of the Uni?
Sarah,
After reading your response to these posts I say...take the money and build the solid friendship. But be clear with him that a sexual relationship will not be the reciprocation of his kindness. If all he enjoys is the company of a bright and beautiful girl, humor him. He's 65 with only 20 years left to live.
Love grows in unexpected ways and when two people are lucky enough to find it with one another, they should embrace this special bond. I know I am...he's married, but what he has provided for me is incomparable to anyone else.
Anonymous, the fact that you've never heard of something happen and therefore don't believe it to happen regularly is what makes you, as I said before, "naive as shit." I've spent far less time than you have in a university setting, and I heard about this happening countless times. People like you who narcissistically spend your lives on pointless research rather than caring about reality and helping humanity are why I left academia.
I can officially say that this is unethical.
And as difficult as it is, you don't get to just be ethical in the easy situations, and not when wads of cash are involved;).
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