Before I got on the train to go to DC this weekend I went out for a bottle of wine with one of my professors, so for the begining of the ride I was kinda lit. I have a trigger that is set off by a certain BAC- I start making flirty eyes at everyone. Across the aisle and two rows up was a tall, broad shouldered, 20 something boy who I couldn't help looking up and down when he walked across to the bathroom. At one point I made some prolonged eye contact, and my half-bottle of wine made me smile a little as I eye-fucked him a little. I might have licked my lips. Who knows.

I headed up to the snack car hoping to get a delightfully fake-tasting, vacuum-packed sammich. As I'm standing in line, I feel something on the back of my neck. It's that guy! "I like your scarf." What a weirdo! Well whatever, I got like 2 more hours to kill. He asks if I wanna have a drink with him, but didn't offer to pay for it, so I figured I wasn't implying anything by it, right?

Turns out he's in the Navy, get a A.S. in Phys Ed, would be a personal trainer if he could only pass the test, lives in Jersey and makes it clear he hates all of it. A real winner. "So that's why I have to drink." Hot. I give it a good effort, I smile and flip my hair and I do the eye thing a little. He's not subtle about looking me up and down appreciatively but I can't get him to say much. We finish out drinks and head back to our seats. Just as I start in on my Vogue he sits down next to me to share his big bottle of rum and coke. Well, ok.

"What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" Hmm, what's the lamest movie line you've quoted lately? I ramble about getting arrested or the shit we pulled this summer, and that isn't doing it for him. "When's the last time you were really satisfied?" Ha. Haha. Wow. I'm a super bitch so I say "What?" and make him repeat it. "Hmm, the last time I was really satisfied...wow... I guess like, Sunday? Or maybe Wednesday or Tuesday. But definitly Sunday." He was not expecting that. "Wow you're doing better than me!"
"Well, that's not you're fault, you're in the goddamn Navy!"
"Yeah but still....like, last Sunday?"
"Yeah I do ok."

Navy guy starts to look for a way to convince me to mess around on the boy I'm on my way to see. Y'all have got to stop that, it's sorta pathetic. His deep depression is breaking my heart so I sorta lean in and tell him that if I'd met him on a train a few months ago, I would be trying like hell to get him to sneak into the bathroom with me.

Is that true? That's something I used to think about on the train, how hot it would be to meet a stranger and sneak off to the bathroom and tear into each other. C'mon, it sounds hot. If it weren't for S, would I wanna get on Navy boy? If I was just heading home, no boy anywhere, and this great looking but a bit dim, just off from the military was trying this hard, what would make me say no?

And where are these guys when I don't have a better option waiting for me? I shut it off over the summer, and now I've had like 5 guys do this, come on really strong and then try to talk me into it after I explain. Points for persistance, but come on, don't be that guy!

naked

I get so irritated with the notion that girls that are into sex , who can't get enough of it, are somehow incapable of relationships or are emotionally distant. However I never made much of a case against it. I was always nice and content and easy to get along with because I refused to show any vulnerability and stayed away from anything that might suggest neediness. This evasiveness is especially bizarre when contrasted with how accesible I was physically. I very consciously used sex to avoid more difficult ways of interacting. I'd say, "I don't want to talk about this anymore, I'm gonna take my clothes off," or the classic-kissing-so-you-don't-have-to-talk move.

I guess using sex as an ice breaker is not fundementally wrong but I never got there. I would think, well I fooled around with that guy way too soon so now he thinks I'm a slut so I guess I can't talk to him again. Eliminating the option, giving up in order to avoid failing.

I have a theory that people really attach to what they think are their problems because it eliminates options and shrinks the available world down to a less overwhelming size. For example, "I'm not smart enough to do that," or, "I could never have kids because I'm too fucked up and I'm not maternal" Having kids sounds terrifying but saying you simply aren't capable is easier to reconcile in your head than making a choice.

Maybe it was easier, or at least less daunting, for me to say, "I can't be in a good relationship, I'm too fucked up and I wouldn't want to subject a decent guy to that, I can only be with other fucked up people and I cheat on them because that's who I am, not because I don't really want to be with them" That limits you to a realtionship that you can only get so much out of, and one where you can still be very guarded because you don't trust the other person and that's ok with you. If the only purpose your relationship has is sex and someone to drink with, it's a lot less likely to fail.

Before, with S, I really worked the angle of cool, sexy girl that doesn't need commitment, like I'd done before, but it didn't stop me from liking him quite a bit. I forgot to take down the Bitch facade so he figured, not unreasonably, that I didn't like him for anything but his dick.

Then he came back, talking to me again. He seemed....earnest, which was new, but I was apprehensive and knew that he was charming enough that my will power or cognitive abilities would not be sufficient to keep me out of trouble, so I just threw every bit of Crazy I had at him, every little thought I'd edited out of our conversations before for being too attached, too needy, too girly, too emotional, too interested... and he didn't seem phased. Suprised but not derailed.

I can tell him things, unpleasant things, things I'm worried or insecure about and it's not just that he's so reassuring and says exactly the right thing, but his affection for me doesn't seem to waver in the slightest, even as I rant about my mom or tell him I failed a test or admit to eating the entire container of cheese. Somehow it's all ok even when I'm showing him all of me

And I'm still very comfortable taking all my clothes off and throwing myself at him.

what a little tease

I'm such a terrible tease. Over the summer I hooked up with M. I was pleasantly suprised, had a great time, and left feeling affirmed in my cuteness. We said we'd hang out again sometime, but I was going to school, and even though he's fun I knew neither of us was making a trip for that.

When I went home over break I was totally hung up on S. Like, without question. So I ignored all of M's texts and calls. Real mature. When I was back at school I told him sorry, I was way busy. He wasn't mad, but he's gunning hard for Thanksgiving hook up. There's no way. But I'm being a douchebag, I'm letting him talk hiself into a hole while I respond with "yeah" "haha" "I dunno maybe" because I enjoy the attention.

I'm trying not to lie, but I'm being evasive

M- "I can't believe you don't have a boy at school, bein so sexy and all."
Me- "Yeah no one here I'm into really"
M- "haha that's good for me at least. You even hook up with anyone since you saw me?"
Me- "Well yeah" I can't quite justify lying
M- " :-( ouch babe. I mean, I guess don't worry about it, it happens"
Me- "Yes."
M- "I mean don't feel bad if you got drunk and did whatever."
Me- "Well not exactly"
M- "But those tits are mine"
Me- "um"
M- "As long as you come see me next time"
Me- "Well I don't know, we'll see"
M- "Don't like me anymore?"
Me- "I'll just have to see if I can"

I'm a little disgusted with myself. And this afternoon, out of no where....

M- "I wanna give you an orgasm again, like I did before."
Me- "Haha"
M- "I think I made you cum like 3 times right?"
Me- "lol" (whoa dude 3 times in almost 24 hours? I'm f-ing blown away)
M- "I wish you'd remembered your camera, I love jerkin off to ya" (yeah, I "forgot" that)
M- "But I'd rather have sex with you" (shit, really? wow)
Me- "well, yeah..."
M- "remember when i made you cum? Your legs were like, shaking, it was crazy."
Me- "yeah" (Ok, it wasn't bad, but compared to S? completely forgettable)
M- "You make me cum better than anyone, you know that?" (Yes, that's cause I'm phenomenal. I know.) "You gonna come see me soon right?"
Me- "yeah I'll have to see. Gotta class now, I'll ttyl"

This is wrong, isn't it? If I'm all about S, should I let M talk to me like that? I tell myself that because I don't really engage or encourage him as much as I used to, and because I don't agree to anything and I don't send him the pictures he asks for every day, I'm not accountable.

Bars

I work in a bar this semester. I'm not 21, not till friday (more on that later...) so I've never really been in a bar. I work in the kitchen so it's not like I actually interact with drunk people, I just make drunk food. I actually like it a lot. Working in the kitchen is really unlike every other part of my life. i'm dirty and smelly and I have no makeup on and I probably have some sort of sauce in my hair. I don't see a mirror for 6-8 hours. I know that's a lame thing to think about, but I see all these pretty girls prancing around in heels and skirts looking turned out for a night of bar hopping and I look like someone vommed on me. I'm a little bitter.

Friday the power went out, so the kitchen shut down but the bar kept going. I went out there to wait for the power to come back, and I have never been hit on so much in my life, by a wide range of men. I had more drinks sent to me than I could possibly drink. It didn't even seem like they were being ironic or taking pity on me. Guys were coming out of no where to talk to me! The pretty girls were actually getting mad that they were being ignored. I can't stress enough that I looked like shit. The lighting was bad, the power was out and we were lit by candles and flashlights and emergecy exit signs but you could still see the stains on my shirt and the sweat on my face, I still looked a damn mess.

I'm not super hot, really. A 6 or a 7. I don't stand out, I'm not the girl guys try to talk to at the party. (I usually try to tell myself that this is because, like many "curvy" girls, I look a lot better naked than in clothes.) But apparantly I was shit-hot when I was rocking greasy hair and a dirty wifebeater. What the hell man? I'm not complaining, I love free drinks from sexy boys telling me I'm beautiful.

But what was going on? Was it that I looked very approachable? Did I look more "real"? Did I just stand out in a room full of turned out sorority girls? Did all that french fry grease give me an alluring glow? Did I look like I needed someone to rescue me?

This weekend my best friend and I are going to New York for my 21st birthday. Gonna get dressed up and go to bars and clubs I can't really afford. I'd really like to just have fun talking to random guys in bars, but I think I might have less luck with that when I'm all sexed up and pretty in a bar in Manhattan than when I'm dirty and sweaty in a college bar here.


BTW: Any New York bar or club suggestions are appreciated, my friend and I are not very cool.

Momentum

Without fail, any success with one guy begetts more. It shouldn't suprise me anymore, especially since it makes such perfect sense. I mean, how attractive am I when it's clear to everyone around me I haven't gotten any in months? That drain on my self-esteem is probably palpable. But the upward trend is even more noteable.

The drunk dial praise I got a week ago gave me a little momentum, I know that makes me lame as hell but hey, I'll take it. That gave me the boost to get off my ass and go see that guy, even though I'd been psyching myself out, thinking he would most likely be disappointed with me.

Coming home on the train, this guy across the asile is sneaking glances. Mmm hi. As he gets off the train he taps me on the shoulder.
"Excuse me beutiful, I think you dropped this?" I look at the piece of paper in his hand.
"What?" I am so smooth.
"That's my phone number, I think you dropped it, here ya go."
Then I tried to be cool and flirty. I think it worked. "Oh thanks, I was looking for that."
"Good, I hope I talk to you soon."

How fucking cute, right? That's never happened to me before, someone randomly giving me their phone number!

Then a friend of mine asked me to go to a movie with him this afternoon. I figured a movie at 1:30 would mean no hooking up. He brought me chocoalte from his trip to Switzerland, bought the tickets in advance so I couldn't protest, held my hand throughout the movie, tried to surreptitiously move his hand up my skirt while I kept my legs tightly crossed. He brought me home and we made out on my couch, high school stylee. After probably confusing the hell out of him with my inability to put out, I pretty much kicked him out. What a bitch. Sorry sweetie, your timing was just so off.

But I am afraid now that in doing that, I have stopped the trend; I'm about to get some bad karma.

The Office-Mate

This guy that works in my office is incredibly awkward, and not in a fun-weird way. He's the kind of awkward where his contributions to a conversation are always followed by uncomfortable silences. He's got a little Napoleon Dynamite in him. The first time he drank with us, I found him alone in my roommate's dark room lying on the floor. For final presentations, we dressed up a little, some guys wore ties, some wore sport coats. This guy wore an oversized, boldly pinstriped suit and a shiny doubleknotted tie. He stayed in that suit for 3 more hours after we got back from work.

Last night, after getting drunk with us, he gives me a slightly slurred call-

"Since I'm not gonna see you again, I just wanted to tell you that I think you're like, really hot. Seriously Sarah, no you are, yeah, you're gorgeous. I mean, I'd say you're like a 9. on a 1 to 10 scale. I mean, if I didn't have a girlfriend I'd totally be trying to hook up with you huh huh huh.... yeah and like, don't feel like, bad that you don't have a boyfriend, you're really pretty and you just need to put yourself out there more, and just like, keep in mind that a lot of guys are really shy too, and they don't wanna tell you this stuff, and um, some guys may seem really weird and a little creepy but when you get to know them they're really smart. Yeah. So yeah, I think you're really hot. We should keep in touch. Yeah ok bye."

First of all, I'm not that hot. On a good day, maybe a 7. These days I'm averaging 5. I have a gargantuan beer belly, my skin looks like I've been partying for a month straight (which shouldn't suprise me) and I have about 2 inches of dark roots in my hair. Last night I was looking especiall un-gorgeous, having ran around drunk in the rain in lieu of taking a shower.

But I'll take it. I feel pretty bad-ass right now. It's kind of sweet, right?

I have this inconvenient habit of being overly friendly to guys I think are freaking weirdos. It's so much easier to talk to someone when you think you're cooler than them. Around someone I was actually into I would just be weird and unpleasantly awkward.... kinda like this guy.

iDrunkText

Loved College Callgirl's post on The Rules; namely, that following them is effectively pretending to have a busy, interesting life.

When someone is blowing you off for a while you have these stages, I guess. First you obviously want them a little more, they're so elusive and you're still expecting to hear from them, and then you're so mad at them you can't wait to tell them what an asshole they are. And then you realize what a useless approach that would be and you say you're never going to talk to them again but in the back of your mind you worry that they will just have great timing and try to talk to you when youre bored/lonely/horny, and it'll all go to shit. And then they slip out of your mind and you forget they exist. Success.

Gotta love when someone randomly text messages you and you are so busy having a fantastic time to look at your phone, and you don't see a 10:30 text message til 3:30. (5 hour rule?) Why even respond? Just to let the know you're not ignoring them but you've been going strong all night? That's a little petty of me but it's satisfying.

I've just had such a fantastic week. Getting blazed out of my mind monday, watching my friends race through crowds with traffic cones over their heads and flipping face first over benches, wing night, busting out the speakers thursday, made a fantastic 5 course dinner last ight and crashed Courtny's party. Everyone I know either brings their own beer or throws in for a case or whatever. This girl spent $80 on alcohol and reminded us all week that we could drink for free in her room friday.

Last night was just too good. I love that even though everyone's apartment is a two minute walk, the boys sleep over with us most nights. Love these kids. A random text message just seemed so out of place. I look at my phone as we're all getting in bed and I was just confused. I thought, doesn't he know it's summer time? Why does he even have time to text me? Durring school I'd text message whole conversations, now that shit drives me crazy cause I get shit to do.

But seriously I think he just got an iPhone and texted everyone he knows.

Exactly!

It's really too bad, the way these things seem to work. And even understanding why something didn't work, and what you did wrong and being able to pin point the psychological mechanism that invariably ruins you doesn't make you any more capable of doing it right the next time around.

I will never be a Rules kinda girl. It's not that I don't want to play mind games or that I have some naive idea that you should always be yourself. I think I am just incapable of withholding sex as a means of negotiating. I blame this for all my problems. I understand that pursuit is important. It's like, in the first chapter of the social psych textbook. If you have to work hard for something, you're going to convince yourself that it was worth the work. The longer you wait in line to see the movie, the better you think it is. If you take a girl on lots of nice dates and bend over backwards to make her like you and she holds out on you for as long as possible, once you end up with her you aren't going to want to break up with her and admit to yourself how much time you've wasted because that would make you feel like a fool.

I do it too, I would not break up with my boyfriend a year ago because we had spent so much time together and even though we were making each other's lives miserable I didn't want to admit that I'd spent that much time screwing up my life more. I came up with ridiculous justifications, tried to tell myself that being happy all the time was for stupid people, that being unhappy was actually enlightenment, that I would be sadder without him. Obviously this was something worthwhile, or I wouldn't have put all this work in, right?

I know I make things too easy. I want you all the time, I'm happy to suck your dick, I'm thrilled when you touch me, when you make me cum I feel like there's nothing else I could want out of life. I'm saying, it doesn't take that much to make me happy. I don't have high expectations, and I am not trying to change that about myself. I've discovered I like being happy.

It's not in my nature to be challenging! It's counter intuitive to me. If I want you, I feel lucky to get you and I let you know. But I know this is effectively sabotage, clever girls know to act like you're the lucky one, like they're doing you a favor by letting you touch them. I don't mind being the lucky one. I think it's great when I get exactly what I want. I am not that good an actress, I can't pretend that I'm not turned on by you so much as looking at me, I can't pretend that I'm not dying to make you cum, and even though I know I shouldn't make it easy I just can't bring myself to do anything that would make it harder. I don't want to be a chore. I want to be the reward; for what, I don't know or care. I want to be the guilty pleasure, I want to be no work and all play.

Is there some puritanical pro-work ethic mindset that makes you think that it can't be that easy? I firmly believe that you can have it all without any suffering, if you have the presence of mind and the cognitive ability to not feel guilty for having fun. And if not, if you don't buy it, there are plenty of self righteous vindictive emasculating girls out there with hoops for you to jump through, if that helps you sleep at night.

Scrimmaging

Last night I took down a phone number- it's in my phone as Jmghm7. It's supposed to be Jon S. I wonder if the phone number is even close. Not that it matters; dude I'm not gonna call you.

Is having no game a WM thing? That Guy from a few weeks ago started out strong. Last night we're once again on the stoop, and he brushes my long bangs out of my eyes... "I want to see you" Well played, dude; well played. I'm surprised by his competence. But wait, why's your hand down my jeans? And...are you trying to unhook my bra? I know I am not the picture of class, but seriously! When I stop him he says, "Let's go back to your room" Oh, and yet you started so well! I've been here like, an hour. Wait for me to get bored and drunk. "No, I wanna go back inside, it's only like, 11!"

I got into a very interesting conversation in the corner with someone else and when I looked up, That Guy was gone. Oh well.

That Other Guy gets reeeaaally friendly. He's the "likes to cuddle on the couch" guy. Great, but then.... ohh this kills everything, ok I'm sitting back in the couch leaning forward and of course there's that uber sexy saddle bag flab shit just above the waistband of my jeans, and of all the things he could do, he was feeling that up. Ew. It's time to go. "Where are you going?... You should stay here tonight, it's cool... You sure? Ok I'll walk out with you"

I take down a phone number with way more difficulty that you'd expect. "Yeah I'll call you tomorrow"

I need new friends.
I need to transfer.

Eta: Turns out that if I had stayed over, and I had headed upstairs to crash with That Other Guy, I would have passed That Guy passed out on their couch. That would have been awesome, when we all woke up. If I'd known that, I'd have stayed because sometimes situations are so screwed up I just can't resist.

The high school ex and I have the weirdest dynamic imaginable....

Dated in that half assed adolescent way for the first two years of high school. In retrospect, this was the worst time to have a boyfriend, because I didn't have a sex drive at 14/15. I thought I did, but damn, I had no idea. Broke up mostly because we were tired of each other.

Hooked up a bit just for fun for about a month senior year. (I was already all about the no-strings-play when I was 17. I thought I was so enlightened)

Right before I was about to leave for college, he suggested we have sex just because neither of us wanted to go to college as virgins. We meet up, for this purpose, as awkwardly as you would imagine. So awkward that nothing really happens. Just ice cream. We're cool like that.

We periodically talk over AIM, not frequently but always for at least an hour, about our respective sex lives mostly, sometimes getting really flirty (sometimes drunk).

Many times we've made plans to meet up while we were both home and hook up. Every time, he backs the fuck out, usuallly citing something to do with his mom that he can't get out of. By now I've kind of figured out that the boy is all talk, so I tend to agree to whatever because I know nothing will ever materialize and I don't want to have to say no to him. And I think he hasn't had sex in like, over a year.

Earlier this week- "Bad news- I think I'm going to have to go to this dinner thing with my mom Saturday night." Well of course you do, sweetheart. You run along then.

And then later- "Looks like I can get out of dinner on Saturday. But I don't think we can do anything...I kind of injured myself." Only you, dude. Only you.
"How?!?" wait. no.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yeah I guess I don't"
"Angry mastrubation" Fucking what the hell is that?? I said I didn't want to know!! And seriously....what? How.... I mean, I obviously don't know much about it, but what? I want to know more, but at the same time I really really don't. "Yeah you know how I just got circumsiced this summer? I'm not totally used to it, and I cut myself."

We are now so far past the realm of too much information.
I mean, I was pretty much counting on him backing out at some point. We aren't really trying to hook up. We always play this little game of Chicken and I always win. But wow.

Dude, you will do anything not to have sex with me!

ma vie en rose

I've effectively quit smoking, but I still need it for social networking. It just feels alluring even though I've seen pictures and oh god it's awful. I like to have the excuse to go out on the stoop with a select group out of the party upstairs, have better conversations, get some undivided attention... Or maybe I just love working that ratio. I know smoking isn't sexy but when there are like, 6 guys out on the stoop, and me....come on you can't blame me. I fucking love boys. And I like when they lean in and light my cigarette so our faces are so close we'd be kissing if it weren't for the barrier of a flame midway between our lips. Prolonging eye contact durring the lighting, wrapping my lips around the end and taking the first drag, smiling a bit... "thanks" I can't be faulted for this behavior but it feels so ridiculously brazen. ( So french.)

Two guys I know would not stop sneakily kissing me when I wasn't expecting it, grabbing my ass and talking about Eiffel Towering me. Sketchy as hell. It might have been the most fun I've had in months. I feigned shock at the suggestion, but shit, that would be fun. When they left around 1, they seemed to think I was coming with them.... They were serious?? Damn, I didn't know people actually did that. I thought I was the only one that ridiculous. That's on my list, y'all. No way were we drunk enough for an Eiffel Tower situation, but maybe that would have been a good thing. I think I'd like to remember that clearly.

Instead, I went home alone and thought about it.