Wasted Wednesdays
Hey, remember that time I got arrested? I do. In order to get that expunged from my record, I have this fun little "Substance Abuse" class every Wednesday night. It sounds like it should be miserable, but more often then not it just cracks my shit up.
The first class, I just sat there with a bitchface on and my arms crossed, trying to keep from arguing that I shouldn't even be there. But by now (three classes in) I just take it in stride. The girl teaching it is like, my age. She's not too psyched to be there either, and her knowledge of what she's supposed to "teach" us is pretty marginal. For example, she describes the effects of a hangover as the opposite of the effects of alcohol. "So, you know, if alcohol makes you relaxed, after that wears off you'd feel...what?" "anxious?" "Yeah, and if alcohol decreases your reaction time, a hangover would...?" "Increase your reaction time?" "Right" Wait, what?
My favorite thing about this class is how a phrase can mean something so different in there. A "really fun binge drinking activity" does not mean Flip Cup, it means a handout. Last night, playing Drug Jeopardy, I got to say things like, "I'll take Ecstacy for $100"
I like to have fun with the class a little bit. Sometimes I'm, just obnoxious and point out the fundemental problems with the research presented, sometimes I just ask retarded shit, like how to make crystal meth. I also enjoy fucking with stupid kids in the class. We have all these little team exercises, and I want to lose every single one. "What are two long term side effects of ecstacy?" Um, it's totally overrated? My group huddles to caucus but no one can come up with anything. I can't resist. "You know, I heard, if you have sex on ecstacy you can never have an orgasm again!" The other girl's eyes light "Ooooh that's a good one!" She raises her hand "Umm erectile...I mean, impotance?" The teacher looks at her like she's retarded. I sit back and smile. The girl looks at me accusingly. Bwah ha ha. "Dude, I didn't say that." Some guy raises his hand, "So for girls it would be like, menstrual....stuff?" Wow that's not even close. The whole class sort of falls apart and I am so proud of myself.
I wish she would ask something like "What's everyone doing this week?" so I could tell her I'm going to a wine tasting tonight and am clearly too cool for this class.
The first class, I just sat there with a bitchface on and my arms crossed, trying to keep from arguing that I shouldn't even be there. But by now (three classes in) I just take it in stride. The girl teaching it is like, my age. She's not too psyched to be there either, and her knowledge of what she's supposed to "teach" us is pretty marginal. For example, she describes the effects of a hangover as the opposite of the effects of alcohol. "So, you know, if alcohol makes you relaxed, after that wears off you'd feel...what?" "anxious?" "Yeah, and if alcohol decreases your reaction time, a hangover would...?" "Increase your reaction time?" "Right" Wait, what?
My favorite thing about this class is how a phrase can mean something so different in there. A "really fun binge drinking activity" does not mean Flip Cup, it means a handout. Last night, playing Drug Jeopardy, I got to say things like, "I'll take Ecstacy for $100"
I like to have fun with the class a little bit. Sometimes I'm, just obnoxious and point out the fundemental problems with the research presented, sometimes I just ask retarded shit, like how to make crystal meth. I also enjoy fucking with stupid kids in the class. We have all these little team exercises, and I want to lose every single one. "What are two long term side effects of ecstacy?" Um, it's totally overrated? My group huddles to caucus but no one can come up with anything. I can't resist. "You know, I heard, if you have sex on ecstacy you can never have an orgasm again!" The other girl's eyes light "Ooooh that's a good one!" She raises her hand "Umm erectile...I mean, impotance?" The teacher looks at her like she's retarded. I sit back and smile. The girl looks at me accusingly. Bwah ha ha. "Dude, I didn't say that." Some guy raises his hand, "So for girls it would be like, menstrual....stuff?" Wow that's not even close. The whole class sort of falls apart and I am so proud of myself.
I wish she would ask something like "What's everyone doing this week?" so I could tell her I'm going to a wine tasting tonight and am clearly too cool for this class.
Labels: booze, drugs, twenty fucking one
posted by Sarah at 1:59 PM
4 Comments:
When I got my DUI some 5 years ago, I got to go to DUI school (which I had mistakenly assumed was where they teach you to be a better drunk driver). Apparently, I'm in a select group of individuals that, if I have even one drink, ever, I run the risk of falling into an alcoholic rut... I guess that means I would continuously wake up in pools of my own vomit and trade handjobs for sandwiches at the bus station. Therefore, I basically learned from my DUI school instructor that I should never drink again. I had issues with this obviously, mostly because it was retarded. My theory was that perhaps by telling the "students" that they can never drink was counterproductive, because no one was gonna take that seriously.
I sure as hell didn't. After all, I like sandwiches.
Is she just making it up as she goes along? Maybe its just me, but I dont remember ever feeling "anxious" or "more alert" during a hangover.... more like wishing to curl up in a hazy, nauseated ball to die.
For some reason this reminded me of the scenes in Fight Club when he goes to all of those meetings with alcoholics, etc. Hehe.
Do you get a bumper sticker once you "graduate" from the program?
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