"curvy girl"

My girl won America's Next Top Model. I don't have a good reason for wanting her to win- her pictures were totally mediocre and her face is so so pretty to the point of being saccharine. Wanting her to win is pure projection, cause I'm about her size (my boobs are bigger and my waist is smaller and my legs are shorter.... but whatever). Whitney rocked it out in that skimpy gladiator outfit, cause her body is hot, she's in shape. They'd had a girl they called plus sized who was just barely bigger than a sample size, and they'd had girls who would actually wear Lane Bryant. To call Whitney plus size kills me, and it must make her wanna cut a bitch, but ANTM wanted to play that card so good for her.

The judges stayed away from even talking about her size as long as they could, but they had to last night. And it came out sounding pretty level headed. "Whitney isn't a big girl, in the real world she's just a hot chick." "Whitney is the girl the man would want in bed with him, but Anya is the girl that makes you want to buy the dress."

Before I even realized it, I understood this, that as a girl with some curves, my body was put to its best use in bed. My body is an obstacle in most of my life- getting jeans to fit over my hips, getting blouses buttoned across my chest, trying to get through kickboxing or running in spite of my boobs. Any article of clothing I've tried on has highlighted the ways in which my body is different from what they intended. Unless it's lingerie. The few times I've found, and splurged on, a bra that comes in 32 DDD, a weight has literally been lifted. But asthetically, my body makes more sense naked. I've thought for a while that this contributes to why I'm often more comfortable naked, why I don't hesitate in my pursuit of sex, even with guys I don't know all that well. I know that's where I perform best, and of course I'd rather someone see me in my element.

This would be perfectly fine, except that along with this message that I'm best suited for sex more than anything else comes with the message that I am no where near the conventional ideal of beauty. It's hard to know that, while most guys you meet want to fuck you, few would admit to it and even fewer would consider you someone who could be a girlfriend.

I think this is the most deplorable personality trait in guys, to want something in a girl when you're having sex that makes you think less of her, whether it's fetishizing big tits while you only date tiny flat girls because you think it makes you look good, or having less respect for a girl for "letting you" do something your last girlfriend wouldn't or for actually wanting to have sex with you. Something is wrong when guys are ashamed of what they are attracted to, when it's such a biologically normal thing.

So I think it's pretty likely that I'll go see the Sex and the City movie. And even though I'll talk a lot of shit about it, I will totally cry. I'm a sucker for the girl movie with the group of friends... Now and Then comes to mind. The real draw is the fantasy of the show was the support group of girlfriends, who always made time for each other and never grew apart or had to move or reached the point where their drastically different values and lifestyles weren't compatible. The fact that these four women who were all, in their own ways, had pretty miserable personalities, and whose charater defects seem like the exact ways to push one another's buttons, just laughed and shopped and talked about boys. I mean, why would anyone be friends with Carrie? I've prefered to look at the four women as dimensions of a person.

But all the noise about how the show allowed women to talk about sex drives me crazy. They didn't really talk about sex so much... they talked about comittment issues and date ettiquiete and meeting men and the stages a relationship goes through and fundemental differences between men and women and reasons a relationship falls apart and break ups and moving on and what we learn from a relationship. It's a stretch to call this "talking about sex." It was mentioned and in the conversation but it wasn't the topic, it was just a joke to make. "A tea bag problem? Oh just breath through your nose hahaha." That conversation was about housekeeping. Whenever there was any topic that wasn't mainstream- Carrie goes out with a bisexual guy, Carrie is sleeping with a guy that wants to pee on her, Samantha has a threesome...it just sort of happend and isn't developed as an idea or as a plot and it's over. Carrie says nope I just can't date that guy because he's bi, and this is never challenged as maybe being narrowminded. She's working toward letting the guy pee on her but then he breaks up with her before it's developed (and that's odd, right? A bisexual guy is a deal breaker but pissing on people is not?)

The show's not about sex. It's about girls, which is fine. I want to call it out on the fact that the girls talk about relationship issues and call it talking about sex, but I can't hold that against them. Talking about sex is fun, but I don't feel the need to talk about it much with my girl friends... it's nice to compare, but I'm sort of done talking about it quickly. A conversation about a fight I had with my boyfriend would just last longer. There is more to talk about. I try not to talk about sex these days cause i just end up talking about how great it is. If it's good there's nothing to talk about. Maybe it's because my girl friends are all very different from me, but I feel like my sex life isn't relevant to them. I don't talk about my research in chemistry with my friend who's an elementry school teacher. I guess I haven't had much in common with any of my friends regarding sex since high school. At that point we were...all in the same situation. Since then any development or learning has been my own, or shared with the guy. Talking about it too much trivializes it and takes away the allure.

the Girl Movie model is really fun and I always enjoy that stuff, but honnestly I can't handle that shit in real life. Yeah the girls spent all their time talking about their boyfriends, but those relationships seemed less important to them than their being part of the group. I've beleived, for quite a while now, that you should never ever take your girl friends' advice about a guy. They can be a sounding board or a support but the advice girls have given me has always been shitty.

Some where I got the impression that casual, care free hook ups were hot and sexy and long term relationship sex was tedious and dull. Who came up with this? Sometimes I think maybe I'm special because initially I had fucked him with abandon, saying whatever vivid vulgar shit popped into my head and generally being a slutty slutty slut-whore from whortopia who is not apologizing for it. It was really fun.

I never have been able to be shy about wanting this boy. Seriously, I wouldn't be fooling anyone. I like crawling on my hads and knees over to him and looking up with those big eyes begging him to unzip and pull his cock out. The huge grin across my face is unintentional. I'm more excited every time, and I love trying to top what I did before, farther down my throat, more tounge, eye contact.

And anyone who doesn't think sex gets better and better isn't trying. Learning more and more how each other's bodies move lets you think about how a hip thrust or throwing my legs back can do. Cumming at the same time happens without trying- nothing makes me cum like feeling him building up to it, watching his face change as he fuckes me exponentially harder and faster. I find myself trying to out perform the last time... I used to hate being on top due to laziness and not wanting to take on responsibility for the ultimate sucess of the endeavor, but I rock that shit out now. I slide up and down and back and forth faster and harder than I thought I could move, and for the first time I can enjoy having leg muscles that can do that. I arch my back and let my tits bounce up and down as I fuck him, watching myself in the reflection of the framed poster over his bed. I look fucking good.

And for some reason, he lets me be very greedy. Laying in his bed in the morning while I plays with my clit (my favorite thing in the entire world), I wasn't ready to stop after I came. "Make me cum again" and he indulges me as much as I do him. "Don't stop" I know it's increadibly demanding to want to get off 5, 6, 7 times in a row but it's better and better each time. "How many times have you cum?" "9" "Well let's make number 10 really good" It's always really good. It has never ever not been really good. He's set the bar very high. But after getting off a number of times, that final orgasm that puts you over the edge is insane. "Final" because it leaves my mind in a blur, my entire body worn out from seizing and shaking and every neuron firing like a machine gun. So sometimes I'm demanding. It is usually five minutes or so after, when I've regain the ability to speak, that I like to tell him he made me cum so hard I forgot how to read.

An Inspirational Tale

Sometimes I feel like where I am now with S, considering where we started, is an inspirational fable to give hope to hoes the world over

So this girl, she was kinda fucked up, with the Daddy Issues and shit, so she was kind of a slut, she was just trying to have fun without getting to into anyone and she met this guy that thought she was cute and they went out. He tried to treat her like a girl he wanted to date, and she got freaked out cause she'd never seen that outside of a romantic comedy.

So she pulls the classic move where she deliberately fucks up, she fucks this other guy and tells the guy she's been going out with, figures he's gonna want to run away after that, right? But he stays around. Only now she's demonstrated that she'd never be a decent girlfriend and that she doesn't care about him more than just fooling around.

But they keep talking all the time and a few random visits. For the next year they're sorta talking but not really, and she likes him but doesn't have the balls to admit it. Meanwhile he knows he shouldn't be wasting his time with a girl that made it clear from the start that he wasn't a thing to her. As she starts to figure out maybe he is, he's actually dating another girl, a religious one who doesn't put out, but lies about it to keep this girl willing to fool around with him once in a while.

Eventually she figures out that this guy is treating her like shit and backs off. With enough distance, she comes to the conclusion that she's gotta stay away because maybe, just maybe, she can't hook up with this guy without getting 'attached'. And after a while he starts up saying he misses her and that other girl wasn't right for him, that he was trying to be something he's not and he wants to see her again.

And for the first time she tells him what's up, tells him he hurt her, tells him she actually liked him and he treated her like shit and she wanted him and by dating a girl who's obviously wrong for him he just rubs her face in the rejection. And, for the first time not wanting him, she's able to tell him, without fear of what he's gonna think of her because he's a fucking cunt anyways, she tells him that she can't just hook up with him without having feelings for him. She thought she could, but she was wrong. She says she can't see him unless it was for real, unless he actually cared about her. She thinks, this has got to be an even better exit strategy than fucking another guy. But no. He says ok. Maybe he actually wants to be with her.

But she's obviously scared and she's been telling herself to stay the fuck away. "I made a mistake" he says. Yes you fucking did, you fucker, she thinks. "I didn't know what I wanted." Hmm...yeah that's hard for me too actually, she thinks.

And as she thinks about, she thinks how she's made some mistakes, how maybe if she hadn't screwed that other guy just to push him away, maybe things would have gone differently, maybe if she'd stepped up and admitted to herself that she might actually care about him, if she hadn't assumed he was gonna hurt her if she let him, if she knew herself then well enough to know that this guy was, in fact, what she wanted. Maybe, in spite of being so together and almost supernaturally smart, it took him a while to figure it out too. She thinks about the things she's changed in herself, about her fuck ups that she's learned from. She thinks, if I can fix my shit, shouldn't I give him the chance to do the same?

She's scared as shit but she's thinking, the worst that can happen is that she totally falls for him and then gets fucking destroyed when he leaves her and feels worse than she'd ever imagined a person could feel. That will suck. But after that, what else would be scary? Perhaps the reason people do this is that it's worth it. So, not without some struggle, she lets herself get close to him and has to find out that not only is he perfect, he cares about her and takes good care of her. Even though she reacts to cancelled visits as though they were threatening breakups, feels edgy around the interim girlfriend-now-just-friend she lost to once before, and sometimes in bed starts crying for no reason, he never for a second stops being wonderful and loving and perfect.

And somehow he just gets better, and she starts to realize how lucky they are. She can't believe that the best sex she's ever had gets better every time, that they like each other more and more, that something so good for her can feel like an indulgence.



For most of college, I thought I would try to have fun without getting too attached to anyone. I actively avoided getting to know anyone I hooked up with. And every time I did something in that pattern, I thought I was digging myself deeper in a slut hole. I had conceded defeat and thought no one could really want me. But now I think at least this one case of the Reformed Slut is possible, I'm sure there are more. And I think everyone should be so jealous. In my cynicism I thought no one could have a relationship this good; I'd have laughed if you'd told me I would, especially this young. I never thought I'd be able to have this.