Gratuitous All-Nighter

I don't have that much work. Just a paper on reasons adolescents and young adults make bad decisions. I know, right? I didn't pick that to be ironic, it sort of turned into that. The conclusion seems to be that you're going to end up like your parents. I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do.

I actually used to think my parents were really smart and made good decisions, but watching them do this separating thing, I don't know, at least now I feel like every asinine thing I've done isn't my fault, I was raised by morons.

My dad married this girl out of college, they were engaged for a year or two while he was a grad student and he was teaching undergrad classes and fooling around with his students while she lived at home. He married her and that worked out for a little while and then fell apart.

Then he met my mom. She had recently had me, and my biological dad had left and moved to Japan under circumstances I don't understand. I'm scared to ask; it will only make me feel awful, and if she wanted to tell me she would. My (step)dad is still married to the girl from college and starts to move in on my mom, who is abandoned with a Baby Sarah. I suspect this whole rescue-fable which my mom feels she deserves after the blows she's had and my dad feels he's redeemed for cheating on and then discarding his wife. They get married and drink a lot of wine and have a baby and move back to the east coast.

My dad's ex girlfriend from high school looks him up through one of those ads on the Internet, she'd heard about him winning an award at an alumni event she attended because she still lives a mile away from that high school and never went to college. She's really impressed with his success and his money and all his nouveau riche grandeur (unlike my mom who is actually just as smart as him and will remind him every chance she gets) and she's between husbands or something so she starts sending him flowery emails about being each others' First Loves, how they were Meant To Be.

I'm sure it's not like, her fault. Nobody cheats on their wives if their marriage is going well. Actually, no one would get caught cheating if their marriage is going well. You obviously need to want to get caught. It's really classic, there are lots of books about it and my mom bought them all and leaves them on every end table and coffee table in sight. (we get it, you can read, you're smarter than her) When she first told me about it, she said, "I don't understand...she's not even educated!" Yeah she never corrects him on his interpretation of an NMR spectrum or calls him out for not understanding viscosity measurements as well as she does or explains something to him, he always gets to be smarter.

So now he's addicted to feeling like the intellectually superior benefactor like he was addicted to feeling like the altruistic hero and this time it's not as endearing when he says he can't be reasoned with, that it's true love and no one else understands. I'd like to think I would know better but the research suggests...not so much

Is poor decision making in adolescents influenced by their parents or their peers? I should really work on that paper.

thanks for that

Just had one of the best self-induced, non battery powered orgasms in a while. I didn't even mean to. An accident. I was thinking about someone I shouldn't be thinking about for like, a list of reasons. Not a reason that would abviously make it hotter, like, “You can't do that, he's your teacher!” or a reason that makes it actully wrong, like “You can't do that, he's 16!” but a reason along the lines of, “You can't do that, that will end very very badly for you, and you should know better.” Normally when that sceario comes up in my head I either find something else to do, or I just... pretend it's someone else, that I have yet to meet, who makes me cum as good as he does but without the negative side effects. I can dream.

I'm hesitant, of course, to get off thinking about him That's soo maladaptive, right? The idea is to hook up with new people. But rather than stop myself this time I let it play out in my head. I was not unreasonable, obviously it's tempting to imagine him saying something like, oh you're so much hotter/better than the girl I'm dating now, but come on, even when rubbing one out I wouldn't be that self indulgent. I mean, no one's that predictable right?

No, actually more fun than feeling superior, I was enjoying the anxiousness I'd enevitably feel in such a situation, ya know, where you want to but you shouldn't... it's fun to imagine the knowing looks that say, Come on I know you're dying for it, your attempts at self control aren't fooling anyone. And as I sat there with his hand up my skirt some part of my brain would be pleading with me to stop him and I'd like to think that I would (in real life), but see, when it's in your head, you can do whatever you want. So, if I did let that shit go down, it might feel something like....ooh just like that. Mmm thanks babe.

Dear classes,

I have had about enough of you, and I am tired of your unreasonable demands. You have the audacity to expect my attendance on a regular basis, you require I get out of bed before noon, you eat up my time with your tedious shit like reading and paper writing, you impede on my gym time, my nap time, my tv watching, and you seem to keep happening durring peak tanning hours of the day.

Tired of your shit,
Sarah

P.S. we are so over.