Craig's List Shenanagins

I was a little bored before I went to bed last night, and just a little drunk. Decided to read through some Craig's List Casual Encounters posts. Sometimes you find guys who express themselves very well, their descriptions are enjoyable to read. And some are just plain funny.

Looking at the women for men section... There were not nearly as many (duh) and no one was even trying to write anything remotely interesting.

Without thinking, I started writing a post..."You find me in my room, in just my betsy johnson bra and matching thong...holding my wrists above my head, my back against the wall, your hand slides down my waist..." and then I get a little explicit. I didn't describe anything out of the ordinary, but I showed little restraint with the description. (I just got the betsey johnson bra, I'm a little enamoured of it right now.)

So I wrote out a nice little vignette, only like 200-300 words but it looks like that's a lot for Craig's List. Wrote a little blurb describing myself. I was honnest but generous? Like, I said "blonde" instead of light brown hair with full highlights, roots in need of some maintainance". I also pretty much said I wanted to find someone to hook up with. That part was a lie. I couldn't do that. I would be terrified; no way do I want it that bad. I was just having fun. It's probably not entirely ethical of me?

I threw some pictures on there, too. Real ones, taken last semester with a shitty camera phone in my shitty dorm room with shitty lighting. No face pictures.

I posted at 2:40 and went to bed.

When I woke up at 9:30, I had 143 new emails. I've seen more penises this morning than a eurologist. About half included pictures. ages ranged from 18 to 57 (The 57 year old told me to check out his myspace for pictures. I didn't)

A few had nice lil stories to read. A lot of them just said what I said, but differently. Whatever, that works. Some of them managed to sound very good in their emails, but the picture made it impossible to take them seriously. Why, for that kind of conversation, would you include the least sexy picture possible? In suits, always in suits, for some reason! Why? It's not like I asked for pictures.

I got more than a few "Holla back, shawty". Awesome.
One guy had held a can of gillette shaving gel up to his dick, to demonstrate the nearly identical shape and size.

I thought this one was good, too...
"cute post,
when u decide that you want to quit writing about it, and want to live it,,, let me know. and frankly, i wont be following your lil program. ill create my own, stating with u on ur knees, and me with my hands wrapped in ur hair..."
I cut out the rest... A little hostile but at least he understood the tone of the post.

"Fake boobs at 20? The pics are a scam"
Ummm no they're not, dude. But thanks!

"Like try Older male I'll make you fill with Joy . Scream like a roller coaster ride and hold on !!!"

"This dark Adonis knows how to give you an amazing 3weeks before you leave. "

"Christ your ad made me hard"
Ad?!?

"Hi, I'm 5'10", 170 lbs, I'd like to put it in you."

"Can audition on cam for you"

"Wow girl great intro.. I feel like I'm right there in the room with you."

"So, an unusual question for you: do you get seasick?"
what?

"Bend you over the chair?? I will fuck you 5 ways from Sunday"

One guy was really into the styling of the pictures... loved the gritty resolution and the cinderblock walls, reminded him of college. Interesting.

As I was scanning the emails, I saw a very familliar name and I started to flip the hell out. What is he doing looking for ass on Craig's List? He would obviously recognize my pictures, maybe even my writing. Oh god what if he thought I was serious? What if he thought I was actually trying to hook up? I had thought I was safe in my anonymity....

I open the email, bracing myself.... and an unfamilliar picture pops up. Different guy. Same name. Thank god.

Dear Self Control,

What the fuck man? We were doing so well. As recently as 10:00 last night I was singing your praises over the phone, and I truly believed we were cool now. You know, Self Control, I really thought we were gonna be BFFs, I thought you were gonna be there for me when I said to myself and to anyone that would listen, "no way am I going to hook up with that asshole ever again."

And I kept saying it, all through the night, even as it became increasingly clear that it was nonsense. I was counting on you to be there for me, Self Control. I was so sure that you had my back (along with all my friends that promised not to leave as long as he was here) that I neglected to check myself or monitor my behavior in the slightest. I thought you, and my friends, were around watching out for me and suddenly you were all gone! And I think you took Rational Thought with you too.

The fact that I was drunk enought to usurp the title of Sloppy Scientist might have had a deleterious effect on you, poor Self Control, but that is no excuse. I need more from you. Simply repeating "Oh there's no way I'm hooking up with that douchebag ever again" while my clothes come off is not remotely helpful.

I was actually very amused by your ineffectual late arrival in the morning. No longer drunk, almost awake, peering through the haze of my hangover, I thought I saw you, Self Control, and you made some attempt to stop me from doing whatever we were in the middle of doing. I couldn't handle the change in directions (seriously where the fuck were you before I got started?) so I got a little lost.

My ambivalence came out thusly- instead of deciding what to do (stop? kick him out? keep going?), I went back and forth between pulling him on top of me and pushing him off, wrapping my legs around him and pushing his hands away from me, etc. And then I realized that it was not you, Self Control. In you place you had decided to send in your semiretarded cousin, Bat Shit Crazy. I should have know Bat Shit Crazy would make an appearance.

Step up your game, Self Control.
-Sarah

"Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"

I've lost interest in sex. Don't care at all.
The fact that I'm smoking weed again probably helps.

I also suspect that my virginity has grown back.
Score.

I wonder what would happen if I went for a whole year...