I have a sick, sick habit.

I did this randomly a while back, this summer, when I was drunk and my friends had passed out. Then later I did it again. I stopped for a while but Thursday night I couldn't help myself, and last night I needed it again, it kept me up half the night.

I post on Craig's List under Casual Encounters. I write a little vignette of the sort of things I'm wishing I was doing, just straigtforward smut. I've always kinda enjoyed writing that sort of thing. I put a picture or two, as well. A picture of me, without my face, in underwear or something.

Then I watch my inbox fill to the brim. I posted under DC thursday, I got about 75 responses in a half an hour and then they flagged and removed me. I didn't know I could be too dirty for Craig's List! I should win a prize.

Last night I posted the same thing for New York. I got about 250 responses before they removed me.

Lots of gorgeous men, lots of sad sad fucks, lots of married men making me sad and angry, lots of sweet sounding 18 year olds who want to lose their virginties. Lots of "Damn girl, your body is hot as shit!" (it's not) Lots of, "You must be a professional writer, that's better than anything I've read in penthouse!" And a whole lot of, "Are you for real? There's no way you're real"

Initially I'd be like, fuck yeah I'm real! Those pictures are real, I wrote all that, I thought all that, I want all that. But I guess I'm the same as the porn spam bots. I'm not in DC or New York, and even if I was I just don't have the balls to go through with it.

Why would someone do this? Of course I love the piles of praise and enthusiastic feedback. But surely I'm old enough now that I shouldn't be that excited to learn that the barely literate, the 'roided-up guidos, and the bored mid-life-crisis husbands will respond when I lay it out there. I mean, I could say anything, without a picture or flowing prose, I could just say "21 year old college girls wants to fuck".

A few years ago, like when I was a freshman, I was such a slut but I wasn't really having fun. I would go home with random guys because I was always so thrilled that they wanted me. It took me several months of college to become somewhat discriminating and differentiate between wanting someone and wanting them to want me.

Once I figured this out, I was pretty god for a while. Junior year, I'd flirt shamelessly and make out with someone at a party, only to laugh and run away when they asked me to leave with them. But that didn't really cut it, cause I'd still end up going home by myself.

Playing with Craig's List is like that. I have such good intentions, I just want to see what will happen, read some nice emails. A few, though, start to sound really really good. It's a good thing I have the geographical barrier as a safety net, or I might get myself in trouble.

Craig's List Shenanagins

I was a little bored before I went to bed last night, and just a little drunk. Decided to read through some Craig's List Casual Encounters posts. Sometimes you find guys who express themselves very well, their descriptions are enjoyable to read. And some are just plain funny.

Looking at the women for men section... There were not nearly as many (duh) and no one was even trying to write anything remotely interesting.

Without thinking, I started writing a post..."You find me in my room, in just my betsy johnson bra and matching thong...holding my wrists above my head, my back against the wall, your hand slides down my waist..." and then I get a little explicit. I didn't describe anything out of the ordinary, but I showed little restraint with the description. (I just got the betsey johnson bra, I'm a little enamoured of it right now.)

So I wrote out a nice little vignette, only like 200-300 words but it looks like that's a lot for Craig's List. Wrote a little blurb describing myself. I was honnest but generous? Like, I said "blonde" instead of light brown hair with full highlights, roots in need of some maintainance". I also pretty much said I wanted to find someone to hook up with. That part was a lie. I couldn't do that. I would be terrified; no way do I want it that bad. I was just having fun. It's probably not entirely ethical of me?

I threw some pictures on there, too. Real ones, taken last semester with a shitty camera phone in my shitty dorm room with shitty lighting. No face pictures.

I posted at 2:40 and went to bed.

When I woke up at 9:30, I had 143 new emails. I've seen more penises this morning than a eurologist. About half included pictures. ages ranged from 18 to 57 (The 57 year old told me to check out his myspace for pictures. I didn't)

A few had nice lil stories to read. A lot of them just said what I said, but differently. Whatever, that works. Some of them managed to sound very good in their emails, but the picture made it impossible to take them seriously. Why, for that kind of conversation, would you include the least sexy picture possible? In suits, always in suits, for some reason! Why? It's not like I asked for pictures.

I got more than a few "Holla back, shawty". Awesome.
One guy had held a can of gillette shaving gel up to his dick, to demonstrate the nearly identical shape and size.

I thought this one was good, too...
"cute post,
when u decide that you want to quit writing about it, and want to live it,,, let me know. and frankly, i wont be following your lil program. ill create my own, stating with u on ur knees, and me with my hands wrapped in ur hair..."
I cut out the rest... A little hostile but at least he understood the tone of the post.

"Fake boobs at 20? The pics are a scam"
Ummm no they're not, dude. But thanks!

"Like try Older male I'll make you fill with Joy . Scream like a roller coaster ride and hold on !!!"

"This dark Adonis knows how to give you an amazing 3weeks before you leave. "

"Christ your ad made me hard"
Ad?!?

"Hi, I'm 5'10", 170 lbs, I'd like to put it in you."

"Can audition on cam for you"

"Wow girl great intro.. I feel like I'm right there in the room with you."

"So, an unusual question for you: do you get seasick?"
what?

"Bend you over the chair?? I will fuck you 5 ways from Sunday"

One guy was really into the styling of the pictures... loved the gritty resolution and the cinderblock walls, reminded him of college. Interesting.

As I was scanning the emails, I saw a very familliar name and I started to flip the hell out. What is he doing looking for ass on Craig's List? He would obviously recognize my pictures, maybe even my writing. Oh god what if he thought I was serious? What if he thought I was actually trying to hook up? I had thought I was safe in my anonymity....

I open the email, bracing myself.... and an unfamilliar picture pops up. Different guy. Same name. Thank god.

Gratuitous All-Nighter

I don't have that much work. Just a paper on reasons adolescents and young adults make bad decisions. I know, right? I didn't pick that to be ironic, it sort of turned into that. The conclusion seems to be that you're going to end up like your parents. I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do.

I actually used to think my parents were really smart and made good decisions, but watching them do this separating thing, I don't know, at least now I feel like every asinine thing I've done isn't my fault, I was raised by morons.

My dad married this girl out of college, they were engaged for a year or two while he was a grad student and he was teaching undergrad classes and fooling around with his students while she lived at home. He married her and that worked out for a little while and then fell apart.

Then he met my mom. She had recently had me, and my biological dad had left and moved to Japan under circumstances I don't understand. I'm scared to ask; it will only make me feel awful, and if she wanted to tell me she would. My (step)dad is still married to the girl from college and starts to move in on my mom, who is abandoned with a Baby Sarah. I suspect this whole rescue-fable which my mom feels she deserves after the blows she's had and my dad feels he's redeemed for cheating on and then discarding his wife. They get married and drink a lot of wine and have a baby and move back to the east coast.

My dad's ex girlfriend from high school looks him up through one of those ads on the Internet, she'd heard about him winning an award at an alumni event she attended because she still lives a mile away from that high school and never went to college. She's really impressed with his success and his money and all his nouveau riche grandeur (unlike my mom who is actually just as smart as him and will remind him every chance she gets) and she's between husbands or something so she starts sending him flowery emails about being each others' First Loves, how they were Meant To Be.

I'm sure it's not like, her fault. Nobody cheats on their wives if their marriage is going well. Actually, no one would get caught cheating if their marriage is going well. You obviously need to want to get caught. It's really classic, there are lots of books about it and my mom bought them all and leaves them on every end table and coffee table in sight. (we get it, you can read, you're smarter than her) When she first told me about it, she said, "I don't understand...she's not even educated!" Yeah she never corrects him on his interpretation of an NMR spectrum or calls him out for not understanding viscosity measurements as well as she does or explains something to him, he always gets to be smarter.

So now he's addicted to feeling like the intellectually superior benefactor like he was addicted to feeling like the altruistic hero and this time it's not as endearing when he says he can't be reasoned with, that it's true love and no one else understands. I'd like to think I would know better but the research suggests...not so much

Is poor decision making in adolescents influenced by their parents or their peers? I should really work on that paper.

IM slut

Wrapping up classes this week, finals coming up, papers to write... I need someone to distract me. I'm scanning my buddy list for gratuitous inappropriate late night IMing. Where are all the ex boyfriends, ex whatevers? I want to take a trip down memory lane, wax nostalgic for Back In The Day, last year, 2 years ago, even high school, I could still come up with some fun flashbacks. I'm dying for one of those familliar but somehwat obselete kids to pop up in a little window on my screen, asking me if I remember that one time... one of those boys who happened long enough ago that the gritty ungraceful details and mishaps have disapeared and left behind just the sense of accomplishment, of a job well done, and geographically far enough away that nothing I say would get me in trouble ;-) . These little random IMs, they are like finding money in your jeans, and when you realize what they intend to talk about for the next half hour, that's like when you pull out that bill and baby it's a fucking twenty. Jackpot. Talk to you later, homework.

My ex boyfriend from high school is surprisingly good at this, but I don't think I can just IM him and be like, excuse me, I'm bored, could you gratuitously flirt with me like you sometimes do? Could you do that thing where you talk about how much you still want me and we make really realy vague plans to fuck each other's brains out?

Wanna be on Top?

I'm so excited for the rest of this train wreck of girls on America's Next Top Model. I'm all over Jael, even though I thought I was going to hate her. I first saw her pictures and thought she was going tobe like cycle 7's Meggggg "Rock and Rollllllllll!!!!" and that girl from Real World who had to leave cause she was 2 punk rock 4 this. She's over the top and manic and can't keep her clothes on and takes great pictures and has yet to be a bitch and she's genuinely excited about the photo shoots and doesn't complain even when she had to do the pro-life shot.

I love her cause she seems very aware of what a ridiculous farce ANTM is. The first thing she said was "We're not curing cancer here!" She started to hang out with Renee and figured out that she was a stupid cunt when Renee told her she was mad at her for being happy.

She comments with things like, "We were practicing our walks, and it was just all so hillarious to me because everyone wanted to be perfect." When Sarah's boobs popped out, "It was very liberating for her, I was glad she got to experience that with me" Jael just wants everyone to know the joy that she knows, they joy of showing off her tits. Jael's got some hot, fierce, editorial naked pics.

But the best thing about Jael is not her stoned voice or her perpetual nudity or her fun pictures, but the fact that she makes fun of Tyra at panel. With a big fake smile and a bobbling head, "You like my photo, Tyra?! Really, Tyra, you like meeee?" "You're calling my name, Tyra, I get to come too?" It's so great to watchc her mock the system from the center of it, I hope she goes far but I also can't wait for her exit interview.

my ex-fake-boyfriend Mark likes to IM me randomly and do that "trip down memory lane" thing that I enjoy so much. He's a good kid, he was the first person to tell me I was hot, so I have some affection for him. He's dumb as a stone; if I didn't get off on attention and if he wasn't so pretty I would have cut him off by now because shit he is so boring.

Mark goes back and forth between "remember that time we..." and "you know what we should do..." I can't beleive how much he remembers about specific instances. "Remember the second to last time we had sex that summer, after the party at the house behind 7 11? like, we went for so long cause we were all drunk. And you passed out like right away lol" yeah man that 15 minutes was epic. Not kidding, this kid told me not to move my hips while we had sex because it made him cum too fast. Same with me being on top. And guys who wanna fuck a girl from behind are "just tryin to be gangsta or some shit."

The other day he asked me, "I never got you off, did I?" wait were you trying to? what kind of sub par Bush-administration-approved sex ed course did you have in high school?!
"Welllll no..."
"Damn why's it so hard to get girls off?"
"Actually I get off pretty easily, I think."
"Haha I don't think so" oh, well if you say so, Mark....

I was making out with him ooutside my building, I'm trying to go home and he keeps kissing my neck and that shit always, always works, so I end up running my hands down his abs to the button of his pants and say "I mean you can come with me and hang out if you want..." He says he couldn't beleive how fast I got my clothes off, and his. I wasn't wasting any time. While we were fooling around I remember wondering why he wasn't making any attempt to eat me out or finger me or anything at all, I was doing everything. I thought, this is an awful lot like high school for someone 2 years older than me!

I hooked up with him some more, thinking he'd get around to it and eventually I gave up but kept hooking up with him because it was easy and there were perks. Giving him head took very little time or effort and he was soo fucking grateful, every time I'd hear a sad story about how his ex girlfriend never would. And his friend Grant was more fun (last I heard, working in the porn industry, took first naked pics of me, and they looked so good I couldn't beleive it was me when I looked at them and deleted them once he passed out) but that was no sleepover thing.

But anyways. Mark is pretty dumb. He can start a sentance with "I loved it when you..." or "I really miss your..." and I start the sentance a little excited but he manages to take the sexy out of everything by sounding like he's in middle school pretending he's an adult.

He told me I looked like two porn stars he'd seen. The first looked not at all like me. Skinny with big boobs and light brown hair but that's it. But at least she was an actual porn star- "Damn, you're fucking Ron Jeremey in this video!" The next video he sent was just some random bloated looking lard ass lobotmized special ed girl who couldn't figure out how to put a dick in her mouth and should never be video taped doing anything, ever. (The idea of Mark and this girl trying to figure out how to fuck at all is actually hillarious. And it's not wrong to laugh, because they aren't retarded, they're just losers) I said "Fuck you I am not nearly as fat as her!" "Well no but your boobs are that big." "they don't look like that! Her tits look like my mom's! ...I think" So I had to send him a few pictures, he seemed cofused. "You are skinny in this picture! I can see yo ribs!" "I told you I wasn't as fat as her!" And then I blocked him because I don't want to talk to someone who would tell me I look like that girl.

More importantly, the video upset me because if someone were videotaping me I sure as hell wouldn't half ass it. Tyra has taught me that you have to commit to whatever you do and find your best angles to hide your flaws and even if you have a gag reflex you model through it.

Myspace Whore

It's really lame but I get such a lil rush from random people I don't know IMing me or myspacing me or facebooking me with an appraising comment. When I get a random message that says something like, "you look really hot in your pic" or even "we should meet up some time, you look really sexy..." it's obviously going to make me feel like the shit. Don't pretend you're creeped out when that happens. (BTW my myspace doesn't have those skanked out airbushed obviousy posed pictures that these 16 year old girls took of each other at sleepovers, just drunk, broke-down, dirty hair, goofy pictures).

The internet's great, it's like when we would walk along the side of the road after school and boys in trucks would honk at us. My friends would turn around and flip them off but I'm not gonna lie, I love attention. I'd give the guys in cars a little nod, smile, practicing the slut face I use at parties when I'm trying to get with someone. I'd do the same shit if someone said something to me at the mall, on the street. They're all talk so I think it's fun to call them on it.

And when random people IM me, maybe I'm supposed to be like, I don't know you, don't talk to me! But I'll talk and be friendly and cute and flirt a little. This guy's been talking to me and he claims to not know where he got my screenname. Please. Here's how I have his screenname- someone IMed me freshman year and said, "So your facebook says you're looking for random play. How about right now? Guess not. (signed off)" I don't know who he is, I don't know if he knows who I am but it's a fun idea right? He keeps saying we should hang out and drink, and I'm like, "yeah let's do that! let me know. yeah whiskey's great. I have a single." Cause come on we're not gonna hang out. I enjoy calling people out on that shit.

The high school ex and I have the weirdest dynamic imaginable....

Dated in that half assed adolescent way for the first two years of high school. In retrospect, this was the worst time to have a boyfriend, because I didn't have a sex drive at 14/15. I thought I did, but damn, I had no idea. Broke up mostly because we were tired of each other.

Hooked up a bit just for fun for about a month senior year. (I was already all about the no-strings-play when I was 17. I thought I was so enlightened)

Right before I was about to leave for college, he suggested we have sex just because neither of us wanted to go to college as virgins. We meet up, for this purpose, as awkwardly as you would imagine. So awkward that nothing really happens. Just ice cream. We're cool like that.

We periodically talk over AIM, not frequently but always for at least an hour, about our respective sex lives mostly, sometimes getting really flirty (sometimes drunk).

Many times we've made plans to meet up while we were both home and hook up. Every time, he backs the fuck out, usuallly citing something to do with his mom that he can't get out of. By now I've kind of figured out that the boy is all talk, so I tend to agree to whatever because I know nothing will ever materialize and I don't want to have to say no to him. And I think he hasn't had sex in like, over a year.

Earlier this week- "Bad news- I think I'm going to have to go to this dinner thing with my mom Saturday night." Well of course you do, sweetheart. You run along then.

And then later- "Looks like I can get out of dinner on Saturday. But I don't think we can do anything...I kind of injured myself." Only you, dude. Only you.
"How?!?" wait. no.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yeah I guess I don't"
"Angry mastrubation" Fucking what the hell is that?? I said I didn't want to know!! And seriously....what? How.... I mean, I obviously don't know much about it, but what? I want to know more, but at the same time I really really don't. "Yeah you know how I just got circumsiced this summer? I'm not totally used to it, and I cut myself."

We are now so far past the realm of too much information.
I mean, I was pretty much counting on him backing out at some point. We aren't really trying to hook up. We always play this little game of Chicken and I always win. But wow.

Dude, you will do anything not to have sex with me!