Myspace Whore

It's really lame but I get such a lil rush from random people I don't know IMing me or myspacing me or facebooking me with an appraising comment. When I get a random message that says something like, "you look really hot in your pic" or even "we should meet up some time, you look really sexy..." it's obviously going to make me feel like the shit. Don't pretend you're creeped out when that happens. (BTW my myspace doesn't have those skanked out airbushed obviousy posed pictures that these 16 year old girls took of each other at sleepovers, just drunk, broke-down, dirty hair, goofy pictures).

The internet's great, it's like when we would walk along the side of the road after school and boys in trucks would honk at us. My friends would turn around and flip them off but I'm not gonna lie, I love attention. I'd give the guys in cars a little nod, smile, practicing the slut face I use at parties when I'm trying to get with someone. I'd do the same shit if someone said something to me at the mall, on the street. They're all talk so I think it's fun to call them on it.

And when random people IM me, maybe I'm supposed to be like, I don't know you, don't talk to me! But I'll talk and be friendly and cute and flirt a little. This guy's been talking to me and he claims to not know where he got my screenname. Please. Here's how I have his screenname- someone IMed me freshman year and said, "So your facebook says you're looking for random play. How about right now? Guess not. (signed off)" I don't know who he is, I don't know if he knows who I am but it's a fun idea right? He keeps saying we should hang out and drink, and I'm like, "yeah let's do that! let me know. yeah whiskey's great. I have a single." Cause come on we're not gonna hang out. I enjoy calling people out on that shit.

Not interested!

That guy that wants a stupid threesome IMed me again!

"So last time, I was drunk, but we clarified that you aren't into group things right?"
(depends on the group, obviously. What a self-deluding twat)
"Right."
"So you wouldn't want to do anything with me and my girlfriend?"
"Not really, no."
"Not really?"
"No."

I'm terrible, the first time I talked to him I knew that there was no way in hell I could fuck him. I just couldn't. I'm hard up for it and I am not picky but this fucking guy??? He's a bad guy and he verbally abused his ex girlfriend and tried to break her door down (not that she's easy to get along with, but still) and he's not attractive and neither is his girlfriend and he's like 5 feet tall and he has a small penis (I hear.) That last one was dumb. I should have just said no fucking way in hell I would rather die. It's good to be clear, right?

But for some reason I ended up having like a half hour conversation about all the shit they're into, all the toys they have, as if a smorgasboard of dildos and all the details are going to be the deciding factor. "Oh it's purple? Well why didn't you say so! I'm totally down if it's purple!" He also went into what his gf wants, specifically some domme chick who'd be called mistress and fuck her with all this crap and use the riding crop (I do like the iconography of a riding crop, but not that much, and I'd rather be on the other side of it, you know?) I found myself explaining that I don't do Domme at all. This negotiation process is unfamiliar to me. And it's not like you're paying me, douchebag! What makes you think you are in any place to make demands?

I'm trying to just be conversational so I'm like, yeah I've done that, oh wow a 12 inch dildo, yeah I have handcuffs, they're hot, your girlfriend sounds pretty cool... And the next thing I know he says, "so you wanna come watch a movie and drink with us some time?" When this conversation started I said no! I can't even fathom the awkwardness of that situation. I say maybe I'll bump into them at a party or something.

"Are you going to Black Valentine?"
"Ooh yeah that'd be cool, I'll prolly go."
"It's way up the road, we can give you a ride :-)"

No.

Damn it, I figured I could go and mingle and get drunk and make out wiht his gf and then leave at exactly the right time and go to a less terrifying party. I can't even handle that scene, I'm not hardcore enough and I like money and beer pong and I don't know the right obscure bands and I don't smoke enough weed and I'm not wearing anything from a thrift store and my haircut looks like every damn sorority girl.

"Can you think of a good reason why not?" Well, I don't really want to, but I see your point. "Come on, why say no to a night of crazy sex?" Because ya'll are overwhelming, I don't want to be hooking up with a girl, doing a whole group thing, double penetration with dildos and vibrators and strap ons, playing the BDSM angle from, it sounds like, both sides, trying to look good and acting my ass off pretending to be attracted to either of them. It sounds exhausting. The sex industry is not for me. I would need like $300 for that.

Never Have I Ever

Some people like Make a Rule or Waterfall, I like Never Have I Ever cause I am always out first. This school is weird. The first never have I ever- "never have I ever used a vibrator" I figure this is like, the one that everyone should drink for, so I put a finger down and reach for my beer. Everyone else is perfectly still, staring at me. "heh... um.. I mean...." "Nope, we saw you, you're not fooling anyone!" I look around at these stunned faces. "Seriously? No one else? Just me? Alright"

The next guy says, "Never have I ever enjoyed taking it up the ass!" All the girls go, "eww gross why would you even say that? Ewwww ASS! Gross!" I'm shifty-eyed but I stay perfectly still and hope that no one looks at me. The guy explains this is a running joke among the cast. You guys call yourselves theater kids?

"Never have I ever made out with a girl"
"Never have I ever had sex in a moving car"
"Does oral count?"
"Yes"
"Never have I ever had sex high"
"Never have I ever done coke"
"Never have I ever had sex in an academic building"

What is this, high school? I'm starting to not feel as bad about my rut, at least I have good stories.

The Real World, Gaithersburg- Science Camp, Season 2?

My application to NIST summer research 2007 is in. This week I wrote up my little personal statement about all the research I want to do, trying to make myself sound like a respectable person.

They did have fantastic fascilities, I had a great advisor and I worked in a beautiful brand new building and I had all these fun instruments to play with. And I did fucking good work.

We lived in a hotel with a pool and 75 other college kids and free wine and beer Monday-Thursday 5-7. Seriously, come back from work, free beer and drunk hot tub antics, Friday could be pong all night, Saturday by the pool and DC clubs at night, more laying out all Sunday... Couldn't' ask for anything else.

At the same time, I've never been so tense and anxious about social situations in my life, we were so overly self-involved and together to the point of being incestuous . I've never had that kind of omnipresent drama, with emails at work as our confessionals. We'd write back and forth all day trying to come up with more clever insightful ways of describing what had happened the night before. High school wasn't this bad.

I don't know I'll get in again, with my GPA as it is, but I don't know if I can handle that shit again. The last month, I pretty much stopped caring and I thought, well I'm leaving soon, I can do whatever I want, I can black out at a nightclub and I can smoke a bowl in the parking lot and I can fool around with the token lesbian from Smith and I can make out with my roommate's crush in front of her and I can get in fights that end violently and I can wake up in other people's rooms and I can go to work drunk and I can go to work hungover ... all the while drunkenly giggling, "oooh we work for the government, y'all...."

We used to joke that there was no way they could pay us that much and pay for our rooms and fund our research for the little use we were. We must be a social experiement, or a reality tv show in the making, we're the less sexy Laguna Beach. We party harder though.

Thanks, pilates

I successfully got my leg behind my head for the first time ever today.

Don't act like you're not impressed...

huh