IM slut

Wrapping up classes this week, finals coming up, papers to write... I need someone to distract me. I'm scanning my buddy list for gratuitous inappropriate late night IMing. Where are all the ex boyfriends, ex whatevers? I want to take a trip down memory lane, wax nostalgic for Back In The Day, last year, 2 years ago, even high school, I could still come up with some fun flashbacks. I'm dying for one of those familliar but somehwat obselete kids to pop up in a little window on my screen, asking me if I remember that one time... one of those boys who happened long enough ago that the gritty ungraceful details and mishaps have disapeared and left behind just the sense of accomplishment, of a job well done, and geographically far enough away that nothing I say would get me in trouble ;-) . These little random IMs, they are like finding money in your jeans, and when you realize what they intend to talk about for the next half hour, that's like when you pull out that bill and baby it's a fucking twenty. Jackpot. Talk to you later, homework.

My ex boyfriend from high school is surprisingly good at this, but I don't think I can just IM him and be like, excuse me, I'm bored, could you gratuitously flirt with me like you sometimes do? Could you do that thing where you talk about how much you still want me and we make really realy vague plans to fuck each other's brains out?

Exactly!

It's really too bad, the way these things seem to work. And even understanding why something didn't work, and what you did wrong and being able to pin point the psychological mechanism that invariably ruins you doesn't make you any more capable of doing it right the next time around.

I will never be a Rules kinda girl. It's not that I don't want to play mind games or that I have some naive idea that you should always be yourself. I think I am just incapable of withholding sex as a means of negotiating. I blame this for all my problems. I understand that pursuit is important. It's like, in the first chapter of the social psych textbook. If you have to work hard for something, you're going to convince yourself that it was worth the work. The longer you wait in line to see the movie, the better you think it is. If you take a girl on lots of nice dates and bend over backwards to make her like you and she holds out on you for as long as possible, once you end up with her you aren't going to want to break up with her and admit to yourself how much time you've wasted because that would make you feel like a fool.

I do it too, I would not break up with my boyfriend a year ago because we had spent so much time together and even though we were making each other's lives miserable I didn't want to admit that I'd spent that much time screwing up my life more. I came up with ridiculous justifications, tried to tell myself that being happy all the time was for stupid people, that being unhappy was actually enlightenment, that I would be sadder without him. Obviously this was something worthwhile, or I wouldn't have put all this work in, right?

I know I make things too easy. I want you all the time, I'm happy to suck your dick, I'm thrilled when you touch me, when you make me cum I feel like there's nothing else I could want out of life. I'm saying, it doesn't take that much to make me happy. I don't have high expectations, and I am not trying to change that about myself. I've discovered I like being happy.

It's not in my nature to be challenging! It's counter intuitive to me. If I want you, I feel lucky to get you and I let you know. But I know this is effectively sabotage, clever girls know to act like you're the lucky one, like they're doing you a favor by letting you touch them. I don't mind being the lucky one. I think it's great when I get exactly what I want. I am not that good an actress, I can't pretend that I'm not turned on by you so much as looking at me, I can't pretend that I'm not dying to make you cum, and even though I know I shouldn't make it easy I just can't bring myself to do anything that would make it harder. I don't want to be a chore. I want to be the reward; for what, I don't know or care. I want to be the guilty pleasure, I want to be no work and all play.

Is there some puritanical pro-work ethic mindset that makes you think that it can't be that easy? I firmly believe that you can have it all without any suffering, if you have the presence of mind and the cognitive ability to not feel guilty for having fun. And if not, if you don't buy it, there are plenty of self righteous vindictive emasculating girls out there with hoops for you to jump through, if that helps you sleep at night.

I had a Britney Spears Moment and cut off all my damn hair. Well, about 2 inches of it. And I figured, hey I can do an edgy layered thing right? I look like a dykey soccer mom who got lost in the woods for a month. Or like Mrs. Brady. Or Brenda from Six Feet Under.

I blame Bravo for this. I watch that horrible show Shear Genius, and I think, if these retards can cut hair than I can, right?

I pity the poor stylist who I will soon ask to fix this mess. I better give them a big ass tip.

I'm losing my mind and I think it's cause I'm boring now. I don't drink or smoke or fuck inappropriate people or stir up drama or black out at clubs or do lines of adderal in the library so I guess I need some other outlet for asinine impulsive behavior. At least I didn't actually buy that blonde dye I had in my hand the other day. Maybe I'll manage to pull of a great short haircut, look all together and grown up (haha). Or maybe I'll just look like a dude.

I know, right?

"Dear Cocaine,
You are the real South Beach Diet.
Jessica"