I don't care for Ecstacy

I think E is a little over-rated. I used to think it would be such a perfect drug for me, fascilitating slutty hedonistic behavior so well, but I didn't plan on like, looking for it because it sounded so bad and taboo, not an everyday drug like weed or coke. Also people had told me that if I had sex on Ecstacy I would never have an orgasm again. This scared me when I was like, 16, and they were relatively hard to come by, but later I was like, bitch please, I think I have it under control, thanks.

My ex boyfriend Will offered it when we were hanging out one night. We'd been broken up for a while and were getting back into being friends, which would turn into sex soon enough. This was like our third time around. We're sitting on a bench and his skeezy dealer friend walks by. Will puts is arm around me and says, "Hey John to you have any E?" John looks back and forth at us. He hates me. 'For two? yeah" Wil asks me if I want to. and offers to pay. It's so unsmooth and obvious it's almost endearing. "Yeah but I'm not going to have sex with you." Will gets 10 points for not laughing out loud. "uh yeah....ok."

Our shit was in powder form. Reliable sources have informed me that this means it's good, but that shit tore up my nose so I made him give me a ritalin to chase it with.

As we started making out I fell back into sex-with-Will mode very thouroughly. You know how when you hook up with someone you used to be familliar with, but haven't had in a while, it takes you a little while to remember what to do with them, exactly? It didn't take me very long, maybe because Will is so fucking weird. He used to beg me to smack him in the face when we fooled around, and if I was mad at him I could, but I think I killed the sentiment by saying "omigod I'm so sorry dude are you ok you sure?" One time he was shredding a tire with a knife and when I asked him why he said h was making a cat o nine tails for me to use on him. I think I was wearing a pink polo and pearls at the time, and I laughed my ass off. He really wanted to be tied up and whipped, beaten, fucked in the ass with a strap on, and I truly wanted to be a good girlfriend, I swear, but I just can't.

the best I could do was the standard hair pulling, biting, and scratching when we were fucking, which I doled out in full effect under the influence of E. Later we were doing lines with Paul and Will had not put his shirt back on. He kept walking around, probably oblivious to the vicous clawings all over his back. I tore that kid up, I think I drew blood. He had a scar a week later. I'm almost proud of myself.

But really, the sex, not that good. I gave it 100%, I worked hard, but far from the "best sex i'd ever had", as so many people had said it would be. Not even the best sex I ever had with Will. The high felt more like a combination of whippets and drunkeness, which made me feel a little dissociated, like I was directing myself from on off-screen location. I came but I never got to where I know I could, I didn't feel my head spin, my body didn't fill up and explode, my legs didn't shake, I didn't get a real, thourough release. I could tell that I was done but I felt like maybe I had missed it, like I hadn't been paying attention. Stupid Ecstacy. I guess there are no drugs that go well with sex?

summer time

This is where I will be living this summer. With 100 other students. Just like last year. Across the street there is a grocery store, an ekered, a chinese food place, and a liquor store. We made booze runs like 3 times a week.

It seems inevitable that people would hook up, right? We did, of course, but the only thing worth noting was Rhyan and Nora. Rhyan is unlike anyone I have ever met. He looks like an abercrombie model and he is probably a sociopath. He was truly mean to people (girls) and didn't ease up when it hit a nerve (I swear this guy thrived of off girls' body issues).

On a drunken night he hooked up with Nora. Nora is cute, not gorgeous, she has a preppy body type but not thin (no boobs, flat ass. I'm not criticizing, she looks great in J Crew. She worked there. I'm jealous) But she did that thing that girls do, where she figured now they were going out and that she could expect him to hang out with her most nights, that she could sleep in his bed whenever she wanted, that they would keep hooking up.

I don't think he liked her, but he didn't want to admit to himself that he was hooking up with a girl he didn't like, so rather than back off he just let it come out as nasty comments and mean gestures. He would make fun of the way her ass didn't totally fill out her bathing suit bottom as she was coming out of the pool, in front off their whole group of friends. He would cut her down in big groups, play little tricks on her, just genenrally treat her like crap. She assured me he was different when they were alone.

One night they were playing around and he held her arm and punched her right in the center of her upper arm, over and over. It was the worst bruuise I've ever seen and I've plent of drunkenly acquired bruises. It was black, about 3 inches across, and it lasted more than a week till it turned that sick yellow color. She thought it was great. She wore short sleeves even when we were all wearing sweaters against the air conditioning, she doodled on it at work with a sharpie, drew arrows pointing to it, and showed it to anyone she could. She was proud of it, she thought it meant she was in with his crew.

I thought it was kind of sick, both that he would hit a girl, that hard, and that she would take it so cheerfully. The dynamic was representative of every interaction- Rhyan beat up on her and she took it and thought it meant they were close, that she understood him. It's heartbreaking to watch, I just hope I never end up letting that happen to me.

Maybe this summer will be less theatrical.

self help?

Had to kill some time with my mom in Barnes and Noble. She lured me to a corner of the store saying she wanted to look at cookbooks, but somehow the rack of Save-Your-Marriage books pulled her in. I ducked out to read some diet books, but they got sort of depressing. (I can't have coffee?!) I told her that, and she said her books were depressing too. "This books says he wants to leave me because I am not attractive enough, this books says anything I do will make it worse, and this one says he decided to leave me years and years ago and has just been biding his time. Here, you should read this." Hands me a book the size of an encyclopedia called, "1,000 Lies Men Tell". I could probably abridge that for her. "Umm I'm gonna go read more about how to be skinny" You know, an ounce of prevention.

Lines

Apprantly wanting something is not the same thing as liking it. This great article in Elle, with a fascinating study on dopamine in rats (Elle - Vogue for science majors!) described how it's so hard to consciously differentiate between the two but they are not nearly as correlated as you'd think.

Coke is exemplary. Not that I don't love the actual high from coke, the way you can feel it in your bloodstream in the front of your face, the way your mouth feels with the powderey residue on your gums, etc, dude you know what I mean. But god, I love the buildup.

Before spring break my friend Paul came to school. He'd dropped out a while ago, he's the friend you have that is your Drug Friend, and he might be the sexiest guy I've ever seen at that school. after talking to him about getting coke, I went to the apartment where he'd be. He was playing guitar for hours in another room, but the time I spent making half-assed small-talk made me so much more excited when he walked in the room.

Paul always wears silky pajama pants and a loose fitting shirt of a simillar fabric in mismatched prints. From the neck up he looks like the Gucci guy, if the Gucci guy was robotripping.

He lets me know he's ready to get in to it. "Do you want to go to your place?" "Um....." my hesitation is not based in that kind of anxiousness about being alone with him. Yeah sure, the Gucci guy is gonna try to get with me. I'm simply embarassed about the state of my room. Nevermind that Paul has been living out of his car.

We end up busting into our respecitve half-gram bags in the apartment of our mutal friends. I make long, impossibly skinny lines; many of them. Between turns we pass around a bowl and a bottle of Jack Daniels and I smile because I love college. Each time, I shake out a small pile of coke and I make 3 razor thin lines along the back of a psych textbook. "Sarah, are you gonna take those lines soon?" Yes, soon, but come on, look how inviting they are! I like to draw out the time between lines. I love thinking about how much I want it before I can have it. I like watching Paul do his lines, too. I like watching Paul light his cigarettes when we go outside for one and I very much enjoy when he, or any beautiful boy, leans in to light my cigarette.

Around 8 am I figure out that I should leave. Stoned as hell, I walk out with Paul and pass him a cigarette. He says, "Thanks, love," in dead-on Jack Sparrow and I hug him goodbye. For a awkwardly long time. And I try to walk away but he pulls me in tighter and runs his hands down my body. He tries to kiss me and I turn my head. (did I mention how sexy he is? wtf?) Maybe it was the weed but I think in some cases it's more fun just to want something.

Wanna be on Top?

I'm so excited for the rest of this train wreck of girls on America's Next Top Model. I'm all over Jael, even though I thought I was going to hate her. I first saw her pictures and thought she was going tobe like cycle 7's Meggggg "Rock and Rollllllllll!!!!" and that girl from Real World who had to leave cause she was 2 punk rock 4 this. She's over the top and manic and can't keep her clothes on and takes great pictures and has yet to be a bitch and she's genuinely excited about the photo shoots and doesn't complain even when she had to do the pro-life shot.

I love her cause she seems very aware of what a ridiculous farce ANTM is. The first thing she said was "We're not curing cancer here!" She started to hang out with Renee and figured out that she was a stupid cunt when Renee told her she was mad at her for being happy.

She comments with things like, "We were practicing our walks, and it was just all so hillarious to me because everyone wanted to be perfect." When Sarah's boobs popped out, "It was very liberating for her, I was glad she got to experience that with me" Jael just wants everyone to know the joy that she knows, they joy of showing off her tits. Jael's got some hot, fierce, editorial naked pics.

But the best thing about Jael is not her stoned voice or her perpetual nudity or her fun pictures, but the fact that she makes fun of Tyra at panel. With a big fake smile and a bobbling head, "You like my photo, Tyra?! Really, Tyra, you like meeee?" "You're calling my name, Tyra, I get to come too?" It's so great to watchc her mock the system from the center of it, I hope she goes far but I also can't wait for her exit interview.

You should all start watching The Girls Next Door. It's three super cute Playboy girls who live at the Mansion with Hugh Hefner and they're just so cute and happy all the time, all they do is play and do photoshoots. I thought the Playboy culture was kind of tacky and sleazy and it is tacky but it's so campy and sugar coated it doesn't even seem slutty. I find nothing wrong with the retired Playmates bringing their kids to parties. Sure there's boobs everywhere, but it's not like it's dirty!

My favorite part is when they talk about Hef. They have such genuine affection for him, when they are sad cause they lost their puppy or something, he makes them feel better, they're so excited to spend time with him, and it's so cute to hear them talk about what they love about him, it's like the way you might talk about your 7th grade boyfriend, like, "He likes basketballl and his favorite color is sea blue and his favorite food is cool ranch dorritos" or something like that. They're so eager for approval, I mean, I get that it's just a manifestation of daddy issues but everyone's so happy, so who are you to judge? It's so enjoyable to watch a group of people that could never function is most situations, and realize, this is the place for you. You are right where you are supposed to be, sweetheart.

Tonight they showed them filming their workout videos! I've done those videos! Bridget's Bunny Bootcamp! Y'all are so cute.

Next time on The Girls Next Door- Holly VO's, "I've always wanted to go horseback riding!" as she steps out of her bathroom in a white bra and leather gun holster. I love kitch! Kendra interviews- "I have never felt so much pain in my ass (record scratch noise) Oh wait, actually..." I knew she was cooler than the other two.

my ex-fake-boyfriend Mark likes to IM me randomly and do that "trip down memory lane" thing that I enjoy so much. He's a good kid, he was the first person to tell me I was hot, so I have some affection for him. He's dumb as a stone; if I didn't get off on attention and if he wasn't so pretty I would have cut him off by now because shit he is so boring.

Mark goes back and forth between "remember that time we..." and "you know what we should do..." I can't beleive how much he remembers about specific instances. "Remember the second to last time we had sex that summer, after the party at the house behind 7 11? like, we went for so long cause we were all drunk. And you passed out like right away lol" yeah man that 15 minutes was epic. Not kidding, this kid told me not to move my hips while we had sex because it made him cum too fast. Same with me being on top. And guys who wanna fuck a girl from behind are "just tryin to be gangsta or some shit."

The other day he asked me, "I never got you off, did I?" wait were you trying to? what kind of sub par Bush-administration-approved sex ed course did you have in high school?!
"Welllll no..."
"Damn why's it so hard to get girls off?"
"Actually I get off pretty easily, I think."
"Haha I don't think so" oh, well if you say so, Mark....

I was making out with him ooutside my building, I'm trying to go home and he keeps kissing my neck and that shit always, always works, so I end up running my hands down his abs to the button of his pants and say "I mean you can come with me and hang out if you want..." He says he couldn't beleive how fast I got my clothes off, and his. I wasn't wasting any time. While we were fooling around I remember wondering why he wasn't making any attempt to eat me out or finger me or anything at all, I was doing everything. I thought, this is an awful lot like high school for someone 2 years older than me!

I hooked up with him some more, thinking he'd get around to it and eventually I gave up but kept hooking up with him because it was easy and there were perks. Giving him head took very little time or effort and he was soo fucking grateful, every time I'd hear a sad story about how his ex girlfriend never would. And his friend Grant was more fun (last I heard, working in the porn industry, took first naked pics of me, and they looked so good I couldn't beleive it was me when I looked at them and deleted them once he passed out) but that was no sleepover thing.

But anyways. Mark is pretty dumb. He can start a sentance with "I loved it when you..." or "I really miss your..." and I start the sentance a little excited but he manages to take the sexy out of everything by sounding like he's in middle school pretending he's an adult.

He told me I looked like two porn stars he'd seen. The first looked not at all like me. Skinny with big boobs and light brown hair but that's it. But at least she was an actual porn star- "Damn, you're fucking Ron Jeremey in this video!" The next video he sent was just some random bloated looking lard ass lobotmized special ed girl who couldn't figure out how to put a dick in her mouth and should never be video taped doing anything, ever. (The idea of Mark and this girl trying to figure out how to fuck at all is actually hillarious. And it's not wrong to laugh, because they aren't retarded, they're just losers) I said "Fuck you I am not nearly as fat as her!" "Well no but your boobs are that big." "they don't look like that! Her tits look like my mom's! ...I think" So I had to send him a few pictures, he seemed cofused. "You are skinny in this picture! I can see yo ribs!" "I told you I wasn't as fat as her!" And then I blocked him because I don't want to talk to someone who would tell me I look like that girl.

More importantly, the video upset me because if someone were videotaping me I sure as hell wouldn't half ass it. Tyra has taught me that you have to commit to whatever you do and find your best angles to hide your flaws and even if you have a gag reflex you model through it.