what a little tease

I'm such a terrible tease. Over the summer I hooked up with M. I was pleasantly suprised, had a great time, and left feeling affirmed in my cuteness. We said we'd hang out again sometime, but I was going to school, and even though he's fun I knew neither of us was making a trip for that.

When I went home over break I was totally hung up on S. Like, without question. So I ignored all of M's texts and calls. Real mature. When I was back at school I told him sorry, I was way busy. He wasn't mad, but he's gunning hard for Thanksgiving hook up. There's no way. But I'm being a douchebag, I'm letting him talk hiself into a hole while I respond with "yeah" "haha" "I dunno maybe" because I enjoy the attention.

I'm trying not to lie, but I'm being evasive

M- "I can't believe you don't have a boy at school, bein so sexy and all."
Me- "Yeah no one here I'm into really"
M- "haha that's good for me at least. You even hook up with anyone since you saw me?"
Me- "Well yeah" I can't quite justify lying
M- " :-( ouch babe. I mean, I guess don't worry about it, it happens"
Me- "Yes."
M- "I mean don't feel bad if you got drunk and did whatever."
Me- "Well not exactly"
M- "But those tits are mine"
Me- "um"
M- "As long as you come see me next time"
Me- "Well I don't know, we'll see"
M- "Don't like me anymore?"
Me- "I'll just have to see if I can"

I'm a little disgusted with myself. And this afternoon, out of no where....

M- "I wanna give you an orgasm again, like I did before."
Me- "Haha"
M- "I think I made you cum like 3 times right?"
Me- "lol" (whoa dude 3 times in almost 24 hours? I'm f-ing blown away)
M- "I wish you'd remembered your camera, I love jerkin off to ya" (yeah, I "forgot" that)
M- "But I'd rather have sex with you" (shit, really? wow)
Me- "well, yeah..."
M- "remember when i made you cum? Your legs were like, shaking, it was crazy."
Me- "yeah" (Ok, it wasn't bad, but compared to S? completely forgettable)
M- "You make me cum better than anyone, you know that?" (Yes, that's cause I'm phenomenal. I know.) "You gonna come see me soon right?"
Me- "yeah I'll have to see. Gotta class now, I'll ttyl"

This is wrong, isn't it? If I'm all about S, should I let M talk to me like that? I tell myself that because I don't really engage or encourage him as much as I used to, and because I don't agree to anything and I don't send him the pictures he asks for every day, I'm not accountable.

Maintenace

I am a very lucky girl. I have a fantastic boy to hook up with, giving me a venue for all the pretty little lacy things I've collected. It's brought about a small spree of lingerie shopping. In the past month I've bought 5 sets! 5! I can't stop, you guys. Actually being seen naked does mean that I have to step up the self-maintenance a little, and that means I'm going to have to start waxing again.

Now, obviously I don't have to do anything. I couldn't do something like have all the hair ripped out of my pussy just because a guy wanted me to, I couldn't feel comfortable with the dynamic of that. My best friend has often been told by guys that she should shave for them. I don't think they have any right to do that, who the hell are they? She says she hates the way it looks, and if that's true I hope she never does it for a guy.

I like the way it looks. I'm into aesthetics. I have beautiful underwear and it doesn't really go with hair. And feeling perfectly soft and smooth is so sexy. And I want to be able to feel completely good about the way I look when I'm having sex. The visual component is important to me (like any other narcissist I can't stay away from mirrors...) and not having my shit cleaned up is visually jarring, it doesn't totally ruin it but it takes me down a few notches.

Ingrown hairs, stubble, razor burn, five 'oclock shadows, prickliness, that horrible feeling a day and a half after you shave when it starts to come back, not sexy at all. Shaving is terrible. I'm so surprised by how many guys will talk about shaving your pussy like it's ok. It's cute for like 12 hours but actually doing it is miserable, it destroys your skin, and I think the way it feels coming back in is so much worse than the pain of waxing.

I can't shave regularly, it's just not going to happen. I have to start waxing again, and that means I will soon be out $85. I feel like a Mastercard commercial. Round trip train tickets- $70. Gossard peach satin balconette and bikini set- $55. Brazilian wax-$85. Birth control- $30/month. Highlights- $95. Cute haircut- $35. Money not made because I'm not working- $50.... I'm not even that turned out, compared to some people. How does anyone afford this shit? No wonder so many women give up.

boobs.

Last weekend my mom and I went bra shopping. The weird part is, it was her idea. I love, love, love getting new lingerie, and she always acts like this is odd. "Why do you need new underwear? Do you lose it? Do you leave it at boys' houses? I don't get why you need more!" It's not the consumerist over-inndulgent atitude she has a problem with; she seems pretty ok with buying clothes every month or so. But not underwear. "No one even sees it!" Let's not be so pessimistic, mom. Not that that's the point. You buy the clothes that you like, that make you happy. Other people see your clothes but no one notices them half as much as you do.

She found a high quality lingerie store near by and suggested we go. I thought either she was feeling guilty about something, wanted me to do something, wanted me to come home more often, something like that. But once we were there, she was picking up the lacey demi cups with the gorgeous seaming and the cute little straps isntead of her usual utilitarian nude full cups. I had to make sure I got what I wanted to try before she did. We could not get the same thing. Seeing a bra on my mom would ensure that I would never have the same lust for it as I would otherwise.

Buying underwear is always a little emotional, and I worried about my mom for a second. She started to lament that fact that no man would ever see her in her underwear again and she thought she was pathetic for buying something so pretty no one would see. I'm torn between telling her that she certainly is not done with men, she's not old, she's beautiful, if she wanted a man she could have one; and at the same time I don't want to think about that at all cause it's my mom.

I went throuh my schtick about how it's not for him, it's for you. And then I said what all girls tell each other out of kindness- "And it's not like guys really care that much, they're happy to see you in your underwear either way right?" She wasn't buying it. "I mean they aren't going to complain." "Yeah, exactly, they don't complain until they're leaving." Um. I'm gonna go look over here.

The sales girl insisted on measuring me, maybe she could tell that soetimes I talk myself in to something that doesn't really fit because it's just so pretty. I had been wearing a 34DD but the tape measurer said I am a 32DDD. Yikes. Two D's was scary enough...DDD? That's an F! F stands for failure! That's too much boob!

It's not the size on that bothers me, it's the limit that it puts on what I can acutally wear. There are like 3 labels that make bras that size that I would be willing to wear, and I can't really afford Agent Provocateur. Most places just have industrial strength hideous matronly contraptions with 8 hooks and padded straps.

Why is this? My shit is still cute, round, somewhat perky, I ceratianly don't need structural support of bridge-like proportions! And I am not the only girl my age with big tits. I know a lot of girls with D's, DD's, whatever. They are thin, young, their boobs look great. But they are not the kind of girls who buy pretty underwear. Or pretty clothes. They are not the kind of girls who think they are sexy. Is that why most bras only come up to a C? Is it because the well endowed girls don't buy lots of bras? And do those girls not buy pretty bras because they don't like their bodies so they hate doing it, or because all they can find are old lady bras?

It doesn't seem fair. Someone should let the bra people know that there's a retty high demand (me) and very little supply when it comes to pretty sexy lingerie for girls with spectacular tits.

I like a boy.

I can't even be ambivalent, I tried. I fought it really hard, but it just got more difficult to convince myself the more emphatically and genuinely he explained himself. The good things (so sexy, so smart, apparantly crazy about me for more reasons than I thought) are irresistable and the bad things just seem like unfortunate misunderstandings and mistakes. Thursday night I just wanted to see him, he drove down.

While he was making the two hour drive I started to get nervous. I'm not as slim, toned, tan, highlighted, coiffed, polished, turned out as I would like to be. I thought about what I should wear, some pretty lingerie set, a little nighty, smokey eye makeup, heels?

Fuck that. I got out of the shower and combed my hair, put on the boxers and white cami I had on before and went back to watching Grey's Anatomy DVDs. There will be time for beautiful lingerie and fuck-me-heels soon.

Once we were in the bedroom he slowly peeled off all my clothes and laid me down on the bed, every inch of me in plain view. I couldn't have felt more comfortable or unselfconscious. "You look so gorgeous when you cum, I just wanna keep making you cum all night." We spent the night so intertwined with each other we couldn't have seen any of each other's flaws anyway.

Reluctant Cock Blocking

I'm home this weekend, and today my 15 year old brother has his girlfriend visiting. I'm supposed to check on them every once in a while and make sure she's not going down on him. Last time my mom found them on the couch with her head under a blanket. My brother is very very cool, he's good looking, great at sports, and very good with girls. His girlfriend is quiet, agreeable and completely beautiful. Her parents seem not to worried about her spending the day at her boyfriend's house "watching movies," probably because she is a Good Girl. I think parents forget that Good Girls are really good at doing what they are told.

My mom has read their IM conversations (which is sick, but he did print them out and leave them in the printer?) and they mostly consist of him talking about what they're going to do to each other. She's sent him cell phone pictures of her boobs. Welcome to the club. That shit is fun. But I didn't do that till I was 20.

Maybe this is typical of 15 year old interactions, but the way they work is he sets up an afternoon, she comes over and does...something... and then she sits on the bed or couch while he watches football or plays video games. I wonder how long it will take for her to realize she should expect more of him. I mean seriously, she's so beautiful, he should be looking at her, not the tv!

When I was 15 I was sort of awkward with my boyfriend, we watched a lot of movies with a blanket over our laps, and like my brother and his girlfriend, out interactions were dominated by not wanting to say or do the wrong thing. But it was mutual, my boyfriend seemed invested and he wanted me to be comfortable and happy. Instead, I stressed over why he wasn't trying to get me to do more. I had to initiate everything advance, and as a result I was paranoid for ages that I wasn't desirable. And like Anonymous commmented, you aren't going to have any more self esteem after hooking up with someone that you started with.

I just wonder how long it's going to take my brother's girlfriend to realize that, and to figure out that she should demand what she wants instead of trying to be what she thinks he wants. It's sure taking me a long time to get that through my head (but does anyone really?) . I thought beautiful skinny girls were already like that.

So maybe it's negligent on my part but I'm not worried about them "going too far," I think she's within her right to give him head if she wants to. I just hope she doesn't let him make her watch him play video games because that shit is degrading.

Ambivalence

How can it be possible to know someone is terrible for you, to be treated like shit over and over and tell yourself that you're never going to let them fuck with you again, and still entertain the thought that maybe it'll be ok this next time?

I'm disgusted with myself. How many times have you seen a friend of yours do the same thing and wonder how she could be so stupid? It seems impossibly moronic until you're doing it too. Your friends will try to help, but there's nothing they can do. They can pump you up and tell you you deserve better, they can cut him down reminding you of what a little shit he was before, they can probably tell you exactly what is going to happen to you if you don't stop talking to him right now, but all of that just makes you want him more. It's like when someone lectures you about cigarettes, everything is more enticing when it's bad for you.

But this is so much worse for me than smoking! Much more addictive. It's more like coke. How can you say no when it's right there in front of you? It's so sexy, and it makes you feel like The Hottest Shit Ever, but as soon as you get into it it starts to fade and the comedown is hell.

I feel like this is the story of my life- "Dating prudes sucks.... I miss you" No shit, FUCKER! I hate to play games and I hate to make guys jump through hoops and more than anything I hate having to hold out unnaturally long before having sex and that's why I'll probably never have a boyfriend again? I've been pretending for a while that I'm just so liberated and sex and the city about everything, that I don't want to get attached to someone, that I just want to be able to hook up with anyone without a thought. But that's bull shit. Maybe I'd like the be Samantha Jones or Slut Machine once in a while but I'm not.

I think the same way I assumed I was a loser in high school cause I got good grades, I just assumed I was a slut in college cause I loved having sex. It's not fair, I shouldn't have to choose. I don't think the girl you like having sex with has to be mutually exclusive from the girl you like. I know the Reformed Slut plotline is tired but honestly, it never really felt right! Just like how I smoked weed cause it was a thing to do in high school and provided an unchallenging social group in college but I figured out that I actually didn't like it much (damn, I'm gonna have to change the name of my blog!). I think if you have any self awareness and maturity you should be able to recognize if your sex life matters to you, and get past whatever puritanical mindset leads you to believe that amazing sex has to be a dirty little secret you hide from your friends or feel guilty about.

I got in way over my head a year ago, I didn't realize that wanting him so bad made him think less of me. It was like the more into him I was, the more I was letting myself go, the more disposable I was to him. Isn't that more than a little misogynistic?

The Reformed Asshole story arch may be a harder sell than that of the Reformed Slut. A reasonable person would never speak to him again, I mean seriously, am I a masochist?

I don't know.

I have a sick, sick habit.

I did this randomly a while back, this summer, when I was drunk and my friends had passed out. Then later I did it again. I stopped for a while but Thursday night I couldn't help myself, and last night I needed it again, it kept me up half the night.

I post on Craig's List under Casual Encounters. I write a little vignette of the sort of things I'm wishing I was doing, just straigtforward smut. I've always kinda enjoyed writing that sort of thing. I put a picture or two, as well. A picture of me, without my face, in underwear or something.

Then I watch my inbox fill to the brim. I posted under DC thursday, I got about 75 responses in a half an hour and then they flagged and removed me. I didn't know I could be too dirty for Craig's List! I should win a prize.

Last night I posted the same thing for New York. I got about 250 responses before they removed me.

Lots of gorgeous men, lots of sad sad fucks, lots of married men making me sad and angry, lots of sweet sounding 18 year olds who want to lose their virginties. Lots of "Damn girl, your body is hot as shit!" (it's not) Lots of, "You must be a professional writer, that's better than anything I've read in penthouse!" And a whole lot of, "Are you for real? There's no way you're real"

Initially I'd be like, fuck yeah I'm real! Those pictures are real, I wrote all that, I thought all that, I want all that. But I guess I'm the same as the porn spam bots. I'm not in DC or New York, and even if I was I just don't have the balls to go through with it.

Why would someone do this? Of course I love the piles of praise and enthusiastic feedback. But surely I'm old enough now that I shouldn't be that excited to learn that the barely literate, the 'roided-up guidos, and the bored mid-life-crisis husbands will respond when I lay it out there. I mean, I could say anything, without a picture or flowing prose, I could just say "21 year old college girls wants to fuck".

A few years ago, like when I was a freshman, I was such a slut but I wasn't really having fun. I would go home with random guys because I was always so thrilled that they wanted me. It took me several months of college to become somewhat discriminating and differentiate between wanting someone and wanting them to want me.

Once I figured this out, I was pretty god for a while. Junior year, I'd flirt shamelessly and make out with someone at a party, only to laugh and run away when they asked me to leave with them. But that didn't really cut it, cause I'd still end up going home by myself.

Playing with Craig's List is like that. I have such good intentions, I just want to see what will happen, read some nice emails. A few, though, start to sound really really good. It's a good thing I have the geographical barrier as a safety net, or I might get myself in trouble.